The Deal
by TashaLaw
Summary: Kate divorced him over a year before. But while dropping off their two-year-old daughter, Castle discovers that Kate is still in love with him. Will the deal they strike be enough for either of them? COMPLETE
1. Chapter 1

**Title**: The Deal

**Rating**: T

**Disclaimer:** I do not own or claim to own Castle.

**Spoilers**: Everything through Always. I started it before season 5 spoilers started coming out, so none that I know of for S5.

**A/N**: This is an angsty divorce kid fic AU. Okay, now that I've scared just about everyone away, for those of you still interested, I will be posting this story here and on the Extraordinary Lines archive. The story here will be T-rated whereas the version at EL will be M rated, so you may pick your poison. I sort of got the idea for it while watching a certain scene in season 4 and it kind of devolved from there as the angst took over. Been playing with it for weeks but want to post before the new season starts.

* * *

"Castle, you were supposed to be here over an hour ago. It's called shared custody, not show-up-when-you-want custody."

The words were chiding, but he could tell from her tone of voice that she was not really angry. Kate rarely got angry with him anymore, not since their divorce almost a year earlier.

Just thinking about it still hurt, but Castle pushed past the pain like he did every single morning and instead focused on what was really important – their daughter.

Johanna Alexandra Castle was barely two years old, and yet, she acted with the confidence of a much older child. As he set her down on the floor, she immediately toddled over and gave her mother's leg a fierce, happy hug before she headed into the apartment and plopped herself on the floor among a pile of toys.

"Well, she needed to take a nap after we went to the zoo," he explained. "Then she was hungry, so we stopped and got something on our way over here."

Kate nodded wordlessly, and he could read the sad expression in her eyes. The three of them used to have dinners as a family, one or both of them attempting to feed the little girl baby food or mashed bananas even as Johanna steadfastly refused their efforts. Now, they shared no meals together, especially not ones in public.

"Thanks for taking her today," Kate said soberly.

"Any time."

He meant the words sincerely. While they enjoyed an amicable split custody arrangement, he never had any problems coming and picking his daughter up on a day scheduled as Kate's when she was called in on a case. On the flip side, he also had no qualms when she called, sometimes late in the evening, and requested a few hours with the girl. Usually she only intruded on his time during a bad investigation, when after hours of dealing with the worst of humanity, all Kate really needed was a few minutes with their little girl. Most of the time, she would just sit on the bed next to Johanna and watch her sleeping peacefully.

"Well, I guess I'll leave you to it," he said, just as she began to speak.

"Can I get you a cup of coffee?"

Both of them froze as their own doubts and desires warred within them. When Kate said nothing but left her invitation out there, he nodded. "Coffee would be great. Thanks."

She seemed relieved at his acceptance, and Castle had to force himself to push away the elation he felt at getting to spend a few more minutes in her company.

Despite everything – the accidental pregnancy, the sudden elopement and even more sudden divorce, and all the things which had come between them – despite all of that, he was still so very much in love with Kate Beckett.

And he suspected from the look in her eyes every time she saw him that she felt the same way about him.

"Did she have fun at the zoo?" Kate asked as she poured them both a cup of coffee. The question was pure small talk. They both knew that Johanna adored animals, especially exotic ones, and she begged to go to the zoo every weekend.

But instead of pointing that out, he answered casually, "She loved it. I could barely get her away from the mountain goat exhibits."

Kate laughed – oh, how he missed hearing her laugh every day. "Mountain goats?"

"I don't know what to tell you. Most kids think the monkeys are cool, or the lions, or even the elephants. This child is just fascinated by the goats. Maybe it was the horns?"

They sat down on the couch in the living room and watched the subject of their conversation play. She had an array of toys to choose from but at that moment was most diverted by a random Star Wars action figure and a pink-winged My Little Pony.

"So no… problems or anything?" Kate asked a moment later. He marveled at how she could keep her voice so steady and devoid of the fear he knew she felt every moment of every day. He remembered worrying about Alexis when she was young, but this was so much different.

Johanna actually was in danger, every single moment. She was in almost as much danger as Kate herself was in.

Of course, it all led back to the murder of Kate's mother, the original Johanna for whom their daughter was named. The man behind that heinous crime, the man who targeted Beckett and almost had her murdered by an assassin, was still out there. And whatever fragile, blackmail-purchased deal Castle had brokered with that shadowy figure after Montgomery was killed had been unsteady ever since.

Kate almost died when Cole Maddox threw her off the side of a roof. The experience was frightening enough to give her some perspective and quit her job. But nothing was ever that easy. When Montgomery's friend Smith was found dead, Castle had feared that they would target Kate again. But another figure appeared out of the woodwork, one who received copies of Smith's information but refused to identify himself. Another deal was brokered to spare Kate's life.

But in the mean time, the unexpected occurred. After one night together – one amazing, incredible, passionate night that Castle hoped he would never forget – Kate got pregnant. Between the shock of almost dying and quitting her job and discovering that they were going to be parents, Castle managed to convince her to marry him. They eloped quickly and quietly, not because of the pregnancy but because they had waited so long to be together that it just seemed… right.

Then came the second scare two years later as the deal faltered yet again. Ever since that day when both of them almost lost their lives, almost left baby Johanna as an orphan, Kate worried about 'problems' and 'issues.'

"No problems," he assured her. "No one even looked at us funny."

"Good," she stated, even though they both knew that if he had even been suspicious of something, he would not have brought their daughter back to this apartment. Instead, he would have called Kate even as he took little Johanna and fled the city.

It was the fall-back plan. Even a hint of danger, and he was to take the little girl and get far away. Despite his arguments to the contrary, he knew Kate would stay and fight, if for no other reason than to prove a distraction to the man who so obviously wanted her dead.

It was not the fall-back plan he would have chosen, but Kate insisted. It was also one of the reasons for their divorce one year earlier.

"How's work?" he asked, not caring but wanting to get away from subjects that would shut her down completely. He no longer shadowed her at the precinct, of course, but sometimes she would call him and bounce ideas about a case. Sadly, those instances were rare.

"Same as usual," she said. "The guys have been asking when you're going to have another poker night."

The guys, Ryan and Esposito. Castle saw them less since the divorce, but like Johanna, he and Kate seemed to have shared custody of the two detectives as well. She encouraged them to spend time with him, even arranged 'guys nights' now and then and made sure that he invited them over to play poker or video games or just have an occasional drink.

It was just one of the things Kate did to make up for no longer being his wife.

"Soon," he told her, but followed it up with another question. "How's Lanie?"

"She's good."

Unlike the guys, Kate got sole custody of the medical examiner. While Castle felt certain that none of their friends truly understood why they had gotten divorced, he suspected that Lanie blamed him. She did not give him outright dirty looks, but the way she guarded herself the few times they had occasion to speak… she blamed him.

Not that Castle didn't blame himself. For two years, he had all he ever wanted in life. And he'd let it slip through his fingers.

He couldn't stand it anymore. Kate was sitting there next to him, her eyes on their daughter as though she might never see the girl again. It was the way she always looked at Johanna. And he could tell she was hurting, that the fear and pain she held inside was just tearing her apart.

"Kate…" he began, not sure what he was going to say. He wanted to beg her to come back, to take Johanna and just run away with him. He wanted to remove her from the danger she lived with every day, to wrap her in the kind of love and safety he could give their daughter.

But he knew she'd say no. He knew this because she had already turned him down. Not only had she turned him down, she'd divorced him. She had almost refused shared custody of Johanna, fearing for the safety of the girl if she was in Kate's life. But in the end, her maternal instinct had kept her from letting go completely. Unfortunately, instead of actually living her life, Kate lived every moment for that little girl. Nothing else mattered.

"Please don't, Castle," Kate said. She must have sensed what he was thinking and feeling. And they had already had this conversation many, many times.

Deciding on a different tactic, he swallowed back the emotions which threatened to bubble to the surface and remarked dryly, "I heard you got asked out the other day. That new detective from vice."

It had actually been a week ago, according to his information from Ryan, but this was the first time he'd had a chance to bring it up.

Kate blushed furiously at the topic and quickly mumbled, "That was nothing."

"Sounds like he was quite taken with you," Castle pushed. He knew how she felt about this subject, knew it would upset her. But for some reason, he just needed to get a response from her.

"I didn't notice."

She would not look at him, instead focusing on Johanna playing on the floor. The girl was growing sleepy, her eyes drooping shut periodically as she fought the urge to curl up and fall asleep on the floor.

"Good looking young vice detective and you didn't notice?" he asked. Ryan had described the guy as a more charismatic than Demming and more ripped than that Scotland Yard detective they'd worked with once.

Kate pulled her eyes away from Johanna long enough to pierce him with a glare. "That's right, I didn't notice. And you know that, so drop it."

He should drop it. He knew that. He could see the fierce embarrassment in her face, the way her cheeks colored involuntarily.

"And why would I know that?" he pushed.

Without a word to him, Kate picked up their tired child and walked in the direction of the bedroom. She kept the crib in the same room as her own bed, and without turning on the light, she settled little Johanna in under a blanket. Castle had already dressed the girl for bed before bringing her over.

As soon as she left the bedroom, pulling the door closed behind her, Kate rounded on him.

"What are you trying to pull here, huh?" she demanded, poking a finger into his chest.

"I wasn't-" he began, but she was already speaking again.

"What is with these insinuations that I'm ready to go off with some guy I've never spent more than twenty minutes in the same room with-"

"Kate," he tried to interrupt her, but she was already too upset, her voice growing progressively louder.

"Like I would care about any of that? Like I would ever date someone else? Like I could ever love someone else?"

* * *

tbc


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N**: Wow, I am so humbled by the wonderful reviews for the first chapter. The feedback has been great!

Again, I'm posting the T-rated version of this chapter here and the M-rated version at EL.

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_"Like I would care about any of that? Like I would ever date someone else? Like I could ever love someone else?"_

Her bottom lip was trembling and he could see the tears gathering in her eyes as the anger faded to a resigned sadness. No, no, no, no, no… This wasn't what he'd intended by pushing her buttons. Not at all. He'd merely wanted to express a little jealousy, to try and get a reaction from her. He hadn't wanted to hurt her, to push her so far.

"Kate, I know. Oh, I'm so sorry. I know that."

She did not even resist when he put his arms around her, the contact both breathtakingly wonderful and agonizingly painful. They so rarely touched anymore. And yet, the feel of her in his arms was both familiar and oh so right. Why had the universe conspired against them to deny them such comforts? Castle knew that she needed it as much as he did.

Without thought or reflection, his mouth sought out hers, hungry and greedy for more. The last time they'd kissed was days before the divorce, just after Johanna's first birthday. But she tasted the same as he remembered – sweet and spicy and so very Kate.

And she did not resist him. She melted into his arms as he kissed her hard and with the passion of a year of repression. Even as he pulled away from her some moments later to take a halting breath, she did not fight the grip he kept around her body.

"Rick, please," she said through the tears. He could not tell if she was begging him to stop or to continue, and for once, he did not care. He kissed her again, and this time as he did so, he moved them both towards the couch. They almost stumbled on a couple of Johanna's scattered toys but they managed to avoid falling with the reflexes of practiced parents.

He maneuvered her onto the couch cushions, his hands frantically exploring her body as his tongue plundered her mouth. And still, she did not push him away. He took her lack of resistance as encouragement and began removing her clothing. His questing hands carefully unbuttoned her shirt to reveal her simple utilitarian bra beneath.

As though a dam had broken, Kate began reacting again. But instead of pulling away from him, she engaged with him fully. As he unfastened her pants, she unbuttoned his shirt and struggled to push it off his shoulders. They tugged and wiggled their way out of the remaining clothes before succumbing to a year's worth of denied passion right there on her living room couch.

* * *

"I love you, Kate," he whispered, the words coming out as freely as they ever had. Something about their post-coital bliss made him more forthcoming even though he knew what she would say.

"I love you too, Castle," she responded, surprising him. He had never expected to hear those words again. But then came the let-down, the inevitable brush off. "But this was a mistake."

"No, it wasn't," he argued fiercely. She was still naked, her body pressed against him, pale skin almost otherworldly in the dim light. Gently, he reached out a finger to run it across the scar in between her breasts, that jagged little reminder of just how fragile life could be.

"I will always love you," Kate confessed, the words coming out with a sort of breathless quality. "And that's why this was a mistake. Every second you are with me, you are in danger…"

They had been through this so many times before! He wanted to grab her and shake her, to make her see reason. The danger didn't matter, not to him. They had lived with it for so long, it was no longer real. And he was so tired of trying to live without her, as though such a thing were possible. How could she not understand how badly he needed her?

"I don't care!" he told her fiercely, angrily. "I don't care if I'm in danger."

"What about Johanna?" she countered. "I know you care about her."

The comment cut him to his soul, not only because he loved their daughter more than life itself, but because he knew she did too.

"I care about both of you," he said.

"Castle, you're safer away from me. Both of you are."

"No, we are not having this conversation again," he declared. He couldn't. He just… couldn't. It was the divorce all over again, minus the lawyers and the paperwork and her beautiful, haunted eyes apologizing to him over a conference table in a nameless building.

"I'm so sorry. You know that, don't you?" she asked, reaching out a hand to smooth the lines around his eyes created by stress and lack of sleep.

"Don't be sorry," he told her, grabbing her hand roughly and holding it. "Just be here with us. You, me, and Johanna."

"I can't," Kate said, her eyes closing in agony. "You know I can't."

"You won't."

They shot open again as she responded, "Fine, Castle, I won't. I won't do that to you and I won't do that to her."

It was the reason for their divorce, the fear reflecting so brightly in her eyes. The petition for dissolution had cited 'irreconcilable differences,' just like every other couple filing in the State of New York, but they both knew the truth. After that last brush with the assassin hired by the man who wanted her dead, she refused to put them in more danger. He had argued with her, of course, screamed and yelled in ways he never would have thought possible. But she stood firm.

He considered fighting her on the divorce. His attorney was good, could have drug out the proceedings for months. But Kate wasn't asking for anything. No alimony, no child support, none of his assets. Of course, she had insisted on signing a pre-nuptial agreement before they got married - absolutely insisted on it, stating that she did not want his money and would not be accused of being a gold-digger.

She was even willing to allow him sole custody of Johanna, to keep the girl safe. It would have killed her, he knew, losing almost all contact with their daughter. But she was willing to do it to keep them out of harm's way.

Looking over at her still naked and laying half on top of him, Castle noticed something he hadn't seen before. He had been too lost in the feel of her, the slide of his skin against hers. But there it was - a chain around her neck, the one she usually wore under high-necked shirts when she needed just a little extra strength to get through the day. It was the chain which held her mother's wedding ring - Kate's own personal talisman.

But the chain no longer held the lone ring. Now, there were two.

He recognized the second ring immediately as the one he had bought her on a clear, crisp afternoon at Tiffany's after he'd convinced her to say 'yes' - a platinum band with a large, clear, pear-shaped diamond in the center.

Her engagement ring.

She had decided against a matching wedding band, stating instead that the ring itself was too beautiful to be cluttered with another band.

Castle knew she took it off after the divorce, just as she knew that he still refused to remove his own ring. He never knew that she kept it. And he certainly had no idea that she still wore it, there, on that necklace with her mother's ring.

As he fingered the small metal circle threaded through her chain, Kate looked down. He noticed her flush in embarrassment as she realized what he had discovered.

Quickly, she pushed him away from her, using only enough force to let him know to move. He let her go. As she gathered up her clothes and quickly pulled them back on, he watched her with curious eyes.

Hearing her say that she still loved him and having actual tangible evidence of it were two entirely different things. The ring - that was definitive proof. She may not wear it on her finger, but she kept it with her. She kept it on a chain next to her skin, tucked between her breasts, right next to her scar-

"Get dressed, Castle," she told him as she put on the last of her clothing. She may have intended it as an order, but it came out as a plea. Mechanically, he pulled on his pants and shirt but stopped a moment later as his mind tried to wrap himself around the events of the evening.

She would not look at him, would not look at anything but the socks and shoes she rushed to pull onto her feet. "You still love me," he said, still not quite believing it himself.

"I will always love you," Kate responded quietly, repeating her earlier words.

"That's what you say to someone you are no longer in love with," Castle retorted. "You're still _in_ love with me."

She still would not meet his gaze, even as she said, "I never claimed I wasn't."

"You divorced me."

The venom in his voice betrayed his continued resentment over that fact. They were married for just shy of two years. Two wonderful, terrifying, challenging, incredible years. And then, after one too many brushes with danger, Kate moved out of the house and filed for divorce three days later.

"I did what I did _because_ I love you," Kate told him.

She had said so at the time, had tried so hard to make him understand. But back then he could see nothing past the fact that she was leaving him - him and Johanna both. He understood nothing besides the knowledge that he was losing the love of his life and would likely be raising their infant daughter alone.

Thankfully, things had worked out differently. Kate agreed to joint custody and Johanna was growing up with a mother she adored. But Castle was right about one thing - he lost Kate.

Except, she was still in love with him.

She carried his ring on a chain around her neck, another token of lost love. But he was standing right in front of her. Why wouldn't she just let go of this fear and let him love her?

"Kate, it has been a year," he stated, trying to keep his tone level. "Nothing has happened. No one has gone after you or me or Johanna."

She snuck a look at him and he understood why she had been refusing to meet his gaze. The earlier tears in her eyes had returned, and while they had not yet broke through, they were close. Castle hated seeing her cry, hated it even more than seeing those same eyes filled with tears in the face of his youngest daughter.

"If they wanted to go after us, they would have done so by now," he said, wishing he could just take her in his arms and give her some physical comfort. But after their tryst on the couch, she held herself apart, almost as though she did not trust herself not to give in to his touch.

"That's what we thought last time," she said. "But we were wrong."

* * *

tbc


	3. Chapter 3

Johanna was just shy of a year old when it happened. Kate had been back at the precinct for several months following maternity leave, and Castle was staying at home with the baby. He knew she felt a little jealous of the arrangement, but they both agreed that her returning to work was for the best. She loved her job almost as much as her family, and the work she did was important. Besides, Castle could work from home just as he had when Alexis was little.

But on this particular day, he went to the precinct with her. It was a grizzly triple homicide and with Alexis on break from college and wanting to spend some time with her baby sister, it was the perfect day to shadow his wife through an investigation.

Somehow, the investigation intersected that old case – Kate's mother's case, the one she had agreed to drop. Castle was still not sure how, but a routine lead put them back on the trail of Cole Maddox. They did not know it was him, of course, his assumed name having changed in the intervening years since Kate's last run-in with the assassin. His involvement in the murders did not become apparent until they innocently knocked on the wrong hotel room door of a witness they intended to interview.

Room 916 rather than 917. One number off had changed everything.

Maddox answered the door with gun in hand, surprising them both. Without needing to voice the obvious threat, he motioned them inside the room. He quickly divested Kate of her gun and both of them of cell phones. Castle expected her to fight the man, to try to disarm him at least. But by pointing the weapon at Castle, Maddox had completely frozen Kate in place.

Then came the worst part.

He threatened them. More specifically, Maddox threatened Castle, pressing the barrel of the 9mm firearm firmly to the back of his head execution-style as he and Kate knelt on the ground.

Speaking quickly, Kate explained that they weren't investigating her mother's murder or her shooting. They had no idea Maddox was even involved. When her explanation failed to move him, she changed to bargaining. She promised to quit her job with homicide, to completely leave the force again, if that's what she needed to do to prove she was in compliance with the deal.

"I'll do anything you want. Just let us go."

But Maddox kept that weapon trained on the back of Castle's skull, and as the seconds ticked by, Kate grew more and more panicked. She begged, offering to trade her own life, if only he would let Castle go.

"He isn't a threat to you," she said, over and over again. "He doesn't deserve to die."

Castle started to speak up, to argue with her. He would never let her make such a deal, not to protect him.

Before he could speak, he heard Maddox cock the gun. The sound of the hammer being pulled back set off a wave of fear in Castle, but it was not nearly as frightening as the set of Kate's shoulders and the pulsing vein in her neck he saw out of the corner of his eye.

"If you have to make an example of me, just do it," Castle told the man, hoping to head off any foolish actions of the woman next to him. He sensed that she was about to go after Maddox, maybe even to try and put herself between Castle and the gun. That was something he just couldn't allow. Johanna needed her mother. Castle needed her, too.

"That's an excellent idea," Maddox said, and it was the last thing Castle heard.

When he woke up later, the assassin was gone and Kate was leaning over him, crying his name. He learned that Maddox had merely knocked him out with the gun, but he never found out what was exchanged between the shooter and Kate while he was unconscious.

She called for an ambulance even though he insisted that he was fine, and she rode with him to the hospital as she held his hand and whispered his name with words of adoration. Kate took him home when the doctor gave him a clean bill of health and she spent the night curled up with him, the baby in a bassinet just a few feet away. She did not leave the loft until the next morning, taking with her only a few things.

She left a short note explaining that she had to go. It was only a few short sentences, but it conveyed her plan to leave him because of the danger she presented. Castle tried to find her, of course, went to her father's house, to Lanie's apartment, even beat on the Ryans' and Esposito's doors. But he couldn't locate her, not soon enough, and by the end of the week, his lawyer called him with news that she had filed for divorce citing only 'irreconcilable differences.'

And in a twisted irony, since that terrifying day in room 916 when Maddox put the gun to his head, they had encountered no problems. No more shootings or stabbings. No more stolen files. No mysterious phone calls. No further threats. Nothing to give any indication that any of them were still living in the cross-hairs.

Unless of course Kate knew something that he didn't.

"Kate, tell me why you left," he stated. She stared at him with wide open eyes, having managed to blink away most of her earlier tears. She looked ready to use the same old excuse, the same words she had repeated each time he confronted her.

"Tell me the real reason," he insisted. "Tell me why you left that day, why you filed for divorce. Tell me what Maddox said to you when I was unconscious, Kate."

There it was - just a minuscule reaction, a micromovement in her face. But it was there, exposing her just as easily as any smoking gun. She did not look confused or hurt. She looked guilty.

"He didn't say anything," she lied, the words not flowing as smoothly as they always had.

"I don't believe you."

Her eyes scrunched into a glare. "I guess that's your problem."

Ah, he hit a defense mechanism. She was pushing back, lashing out, not wanting to be caught. Whatever threat Maddox had made, it was worth all this pain and loneliness to her. It was worth the lies and the divorce and turning Johanna's life upside down. She would not be giving it up easily.

"He must have done more than just threaten us," Castle postulated. He watched her, waiting for a reaction, but she gave him none. "Did he threaten Johanna?"

The thought of their little girl - dark haired like her mother and blue eyed like him, and just so smart - in danger, it pierced him more sharply than a blade.

"Castle, I think it's time for you to leave," Kate said, then took two strides towards the door. But he moved faster, reaching out to snag hold of her wrist. She attempted to tug away from him, but he held on tightly, refusing to let her go.

"What was the threat, Kate?"

His voice was like iron, hard and unyielding. He _would_ get his answer tonight.

She looked away before responding. "It wasn't a threat," she said quietly.

"Then what was it?"

"It was... it was more like a deal."

"Another deal?" he questioned. The deal Montgomery had struck ended up with the captain dead in an airplane hanger and Kate shot in the chest. Smith's deal led to her almost falling off the side of a building. Castle did not trust any deals with this mysterious, murdering bastard.

Kate did not want to tell him, he knew. She resisted for several moments even as she tried to wrench her wrist free. But as seconds ticked by and he made it clear that he would not be put off any longer, he finally recognized the resignation in her eyes.

"If I stayed away from the case, he would stay away from me and my family," Kate explained, glancing at the door to the bedroom where Johanna slept as she said the word 'family.'

Confused, he noted, "That was the same deal as before."

"Yeah, well, that deal was revoked. The terms of this deal were different."

His voice grew sharper as he asked, "Different how?"

Kate looked away, focusing her eyes on the floor, and he could tell her breathing had changed. Castle still had not let go of her wrist, and she pulled on it anxiously, as though she wanted to flee. Hoping to make her feel more comfortable, he let go of her. As soon as he did, she snatched away her hand and gently rubbed at the skin of her wrist. He hadn't hurt her, not really, but her movement set off fresh guilt for having touched her so roughly.

When she answered, it was barely audible at first and he took a step towards her to hear.

"He said I had to leave you. He said that was my punishment for breaking Smith's deal, and that if I wanted to protect you and our daughter, that I couldn't be with you. We could not be in a relationship." She looked up at him, their eyes locking as he struggled to understand. She added with finality, "He said I couldn't stay married to you."

"But you didn't break Smith's deal," Castle pointed out.

"I got too close."

"But making you divorce me? Why would he..."

"It was a way to control me, Rick, to weaken me and throw me off balance so I wouldn't go after him."

Chills went down Castle's spine as she spoke, leaving him feeling suddenly exposed and frightened. It was how she must feel most of the time now, he realized.

"And if you didn't leave me? What did he say he would do?"

She did not respond immediately. Instead, Kate kept her eyes focused on the floor, unblinking and unwavering. Finally, she answered, "He said he would kill you."

Just him? That was the extent of the threat? His life?

"Not Johanna?" Castle clarified.

Kate took a shaky breath before stating, "No, he said that he expected he didn't need to threaten the life of a child to get my cooperation, although I have no doubt he would go after her. But that day, he said if I didn't leave you, that he would kill you and neither of us would ever see it coming. And then he described in vivid detail about a dozen different ways it could happen."

A dozen different ways… Like a sniper bullet. Or a bomb in his car. Or even poison in his coffee, a rattlesnake in his car. His breaks could be cut, or maybe a good old-fashioned beating. Perhaps even a stabbing in a dark alley.

Wrapping her arms around her body, Kate padded into the kitchen and turned the coffee pot back on. He already knew that she would not be getting any sleep tonight, that she would likely sit up standing vigil as Johanna slept. It was a behavior from early on in their marriage - on nights when she worried the most about their safety, she either could not or would not sleep. And tonight, Kate would withstand the lonely night long after he had gone and she would do so willingly and without a word of complaint. All of it to keep _him_ alive.

Following her into the kitchen, he said, "You should have told me."

"What could you have done?"

Kate looked so hopeless, so sad and solitary. It hurt him to see her so lost, the way she had looked so often before they got together, as though she carried the weight of the world on her slim shoulders.

"I could have done something. I could have found a way to keep us safe."

But she was already shaking her head. "There was nothing you could do, Castle. If I hadn't gone along with his mandate, he would have killed you. I know in my heart he would have done it, Castle. And we could not have stopped him."

"And you still believe that," he deduced.

"Yes."

"And that's why you won't come back to me."

"Yes."

"Even though I love you and you love me. We should be a family, Kate - us and Johanna. Alexis, my mother, your dad... We should be together, Kate."

She nodded, but her agreement brought him no hope. "I know, Castle, but we can't be together. We just _can't_ be."

"It's my life," he declared, his voice growing louder. "You said that to me once, remember? It is _my_ life and you don't get to cut these kinds of deals for me."

He was using her own words against her, and Kate flinched as if they had physically stung her. But she did not back down.

"I know it's your life, Rick, but... you are my life. And I won't be the cause of your death."

* * *

tbc


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: I really appreciate everyone who has read, reviewed, followed, or favorited this story. Ya'll are really the best.

Again, the M-rated version of this chapter will be available on the Extraordinary Lines archive for anyone interested.

* * *

When Kate told him "Good Night," he knew she really meant "Goodbye," that she would not let him talk her into reconsidering her choice. In this instance, her love for him worked against his wishes - she would not risk his life, not when she had been told so firmly by Maddox that if she did not comply, if she did not end her marriage with Castle, that he would die.

Suddenly, their entire year apart made sense. The sudden divorce, Kate's obvious depression, her initial hesitance to share custody of Johanna... Even the reports he received from Ryan and Esposito finally clicked - she had lost weight and still had trouble sleeping. A year after their divorce, she still would not even look at other men, would not return their flirtatious banter or give out her phone number. Outside of work, she only spent time with Lanie and the guys and her father. No one else made it into her circle of friends.

The only role Kate still seemed comfortable in was mother - she was a fantastic mother to Johanna, despite everything. Castle had gotten used to raising a Daddy's girl with Alexis, but in so many ways, his youngest daughter preferred her mother. When she got hurt, she wanted Kate. When she woke up in the middle of the night, she wanted Kate. The divorce had been hard. Even though Johanna had been too young to really understand what was going on, she did know one thing - she often wanted her momma, and her momma was not always there.

For a first time mother, Kate was amazing. While she worried about all the things new parents worried about, she still had a quiet confidence when it came to taking care of Johanna that Castle still envied as a tried veteran. As a parent, Kate Beckett was a natural.

He saw her demonstrate that the next evening when she brought their daughter to the loft to drop her off for his regular night. He had spent most of the day in a fog after her confession the night before. At first, all he wanted to do was kidnap the both of them and take them to some far away place where his money could keep all of them safe. But such a decision would also require him to uproot Alexis and his mother, to bring them into a life of hiding. And Castle suspected that Kate would never agree to it, and he could not force her.

As he opened the door to let her into the loft, he immediately noticed a difference in her. As she handed over Johanna, the poor girl having fallen asleep in the car on the drive over, Kate looked... determined. He realized immediately that the emotion he was used to seeing from her – deliberate standoffishness - was actually something else entirely – resigned sadness. She held herself apart because she felt she had to, not because she wanted that distance. And she hated it as much as he did.

But tonight, that sadness had been replaced with a quiet bravado, the kind of emotion she had probably worked all day to achieve. She met his eyes and refused to look away. Kissing him on the cheek as though nothing out of the ordinary had occurred the night before, Kate entered the loft and placed Johanna's diaper bag on one side of the couch.

He paused to watch her as he held their sleeping child, picturing what it had been like when she kissed him on the lips rather than the cheek and settled down on the couch after a long day rather than dropping off Johanna's things and turning to leave.

"You'll bring her by on Thursday?" Kate asked, confirming their usual schedule.

"Let me put her to bed, and then we'll talk," he answered.

Even as he was walking up the stairs to put the girl in her own room, Kate said, "Rick, I really need to go..."

Deliberately, he did not answer her, but left her standing at the foot of the stairs as he went through the motions of putting their daughter to bed. He knew she would wait for him before leaving. Even if she pretended nothing had happened between them, that they hadn't slept together the night before and she had not confessed her true motives for the divorce, he knew that she would wait.

Sure enough, as he descended the stairs a short time later, she was standing in the living room, looking terribly uncomfortable.

"Can I pour you a glass of wine?" he asked, not bothering to get her answer as he crossed into the kitchen to do exactly that.

"No, I can't stay," she said, glancing pointedly at the door.

"I think we need to talk."

"We talked more than enough last night," Kate said archly.

Needing a way to keep her there, he said the first thing that came to mind.

"This is about Johanna."

Kate paled visibly at his use of their daughter's name.

"What about Johanna?" she asked. The fear in her voice was suddenly so apparent that Castle froze.

The look in her eyes said it all. He realized suddenly that she thought he was going to try and take their child from her. After confessing to him about Maddox's threat the night before, she thought he was going to demand from her sole custody of Johanna, to keep the two-year-old safe.

And even worse than that fear, he saw in her eyes a measure of guilt so strong that he knew if he pushed for it, she would agree. If Castle insisted it was for the best, that it was the only way to keep their daughter out of harm's way, Kate would give him their little girl. It would tear her to pieces to hand over the toddler, break her in ways she would never recover from. But she would do it, was preparing herself even as she stood there.

As if he would ever do anything to separate the two of them.

"I think she should spend more time with you," he said quickly. "I know your schedule at the precinct has been hectic, but she's become more clingy lately, and I think what she really needs is more time with you."

Everything he said was true, he realized, and he did want Kate to spend more time with the toddler. Their usual split was fairly equitable, but due to Kate's schedule at the precinct, she often got her for evenings when the child was sleeping rather during daytime hours.

Kate blinked as she processed his words, and a moment later audibly let out the breath she had been holding even as her eyes shut in relief. He allowed her the time to recover, to regain her self control even as she struggled to articulate a response. Finally, she steadied herself and said, "I'll talk to the captain about lightening my schedule and taking some time off. If you think that would be best for Johanna."

She was giving him an out, an opportunity to call her on the carpet by invoking the safety of their daughter.

But Castle simply nodded and said, "I do."

He handed her the glass of wine he had poured and gestured to the couch. She seemed uncertain at first, but a moment later she followed him. Her expression of determination had returned, and Castle decided that he liked that look on her much better than the usual fear and melancholy.

"I think she's getting to that age that Alexis got to where she's wondering why we don't all live together," he ventured.

"I guess we'll just have to explain it to her," Kate said.

Momma and Daddy love each other very much but we can't be together because a bad man wants to hurt Momma by hurting Daddy... No, the truth was too awful even for Castle to face. He had no idea how to explain it to their two-year-old child.

"What should we tell her?" he asked neutrally. He wanted to keep her talking, to hear her voice.

"We say that we both love her and we both want to be with her as much as possible, but we can't all live together."

"And if she asks why not?"

Typically, divorced or separated couples would bluntly tell the child that while they still loved the child, they no longer loved each other, or at least not in the same way. Castle vividly remembered having that conversation with a very young Alexis. But using that line on Johanna would be a lie. Castle was still madly in love with her mother and he now knew beyond all doubt that Kate felt the same about him.

"We'll figure it out, Rick," she said softly, apologetically.

She looked so beautiful sitting there, her hair pulled back into a loose braid. She was dressed casually in a form-fitting sweater and jeans, and he could just make out a sliver of the silver chain around her neck tucked into her shirt. The image of her from the night before, naked and writhing below him, came to mind and suddenly the room felt unseasonably warm.

"Stay with me tonight," he said, the request made completely on impulse.

Her eyes widened as she took in his words.

"I can't-" Kate began, even as he added, "Please."

"What happened last night was..."

Clearly, she was searching for a word other than 'mistake' but Castle quickly completed her sentence with, "Amazing."

She sighed. "Rick."

He wanted her to call him _Castle_, to say his name again the way she had the night before in the heat of passion.

Challenged her, he said, "Tell me it wasn't amazing."

"That isn't the point."

"Yes it is," he insisted. "I'm not asking you to marry me again. I'm just asking you to stay the night."

She stopped and stared at him even as Castle realized what he had just proposed.

Sex. A night of just sex.

The thought left him a little queasy. After everything they had been through together, after everything they had been to each other, could he and Kate actually engage in an emotionless, clandestine, sexual relationship?

Of course, he knew that could never happen. But while he wanted all of her, every single part of her - physical, mental, and spiritual - he knew she was not willing to rekindle their relationship. But maybe if he could just sneak in under her defenses, just a little...

Speaking as though she had to force out the words, she observed, "Rick, you should be out there dating other women. We've been divorced for a year."

"I don't want other women. I want you."

Her bottom lip trembled slightly as she stated, "You can't have me."

"I think we proved that isn't true last night."

His statement came out more bitterly than he intended and Kate looked away as though she'd been slapped. He wanted to take it back, to tell her he did not mean it that way. He had no intention of cheapening the most beautiful experience since their divorce. But pride and resentment kept him silent.

Finally, Kate spoke. "So all you want is sex?"

Swallowing down a more truthful response, Castle said only, "That's all I'm asking for."

She considered him for a long moment before saying, "Okay."

One eyebrow shot up in surprise.

"Okay?"

He did not quite believe what he was hearing. Kate Beckett, his ex-wife, the love of his life, was agreeing to a sexual relationship. Granted, only a sexual relationship, but still…

She nodded, confirming his suspicions. "But I make all the rules," she said sharply.

"Yeah, okay," he agreed, still surprised that she had agreed to it in the first place.

"No public displays of affection," Kate began. "No telling anyone - and I do mean anyone, Rick. If you so much as mention this to your mother, it's over."

He said, "Trust no one. Got it."

Kate bit her lip as she considered other rules to add to the growing list. But Castle didn't care about the rules. She was going to let him touch her - to not only spend time with her, but to touch her while doing so - and he could hardly believe it. He wondered if this was how deals with the devil began. If so, he felt quite certain that the devil was getting cheated in this instance.

"No trying to get me to come back," she stated succinctly.

So no trying to win her heart back despite the danger to his life... he could work around that. Rather than make an oral agreement, he merely nodded his ascent.

"And one last thing," she added. Kate paused and Castle recognized her serious, uncompromising expression. "This one is non-negotiable. And you won't like it."

"What is it?" he prompted, ready to promise her just about anything.

"You have to start dating," Kate said. The words sounded so foreign in her voice that it took him a few seconds to fully process them. "You have to start dating other women," she quickly clarified.

Having dated no one else since the blonde stewardess he took to a crime scene just to make Kate jealous, the concept seemed rather foreign to Castle. She wanted him to date other women? Why would that be a condition...

Oh.

For public appearances, so as not to arouse suspicions about them, she wanted him to date other women. She really was serious about Maddox's threat on his life.

Castle considered her condition and after a short time deemed it acceptable. Enduring the company of the kind of vapid, uninteresting women he'd dated before Kate would be irritating. But it would be worth it. Anything would be worth getting to spend time with her, especially with the promise of sex.

"All right," he said. "I agree to your conditions."

She looked at him for a moment, slightly surprised. "Really?"

"Yes, really. But I have one condition of my own."

The set of her jaw betrayed her overall nervousness regarding the conversation. Clearly, she was reconsidering whether any of it was a good idea.

"You don't get to make conditions, Castle," she stated evenly, deliberately using his last name. He hated seeing the fear in her eyes, but hearing his name in her voice was almost worth it.

"Just one little thing. If I have to date other women, and I cannot impress upon you how difficult that will be, then I want this arrangement to be worth my... investment," he said. Castle used the word deliberately to ruffle her feathers and throw her off balance. "At least twice a week."

Kate's eyes narrowed. "Once a week," she countered.

"Three times."

"Castle, that's not how you negotiate," she said in exasperation.

"Don't make it four," he warned playfully. "I may not have that kind of stamina anymore."

Sighing, Kate agreed grudgingly, "Twice a week."

Castle smirked at her, just like he used to in the old days. "Deal."

He held out his hand to her, waiting for her to shake on it. Just as he knew she would, she clasped his palm with hers firmly and shook it.

As soon as she pulled her hand away, he made his move. He startled her with his speed even as he reclaimed her hands with his own. A second later, his mouth found her lips and he plundered her mouth without mercy.

She may not have expected to be ravaged so quickly, and right there on the couch in the living room, but Castle had every intention of milking this 'deal' they had made for all it was worth. Besides, he had gotten a taste of her just the night before. After a year of nothing, that taste was enough to make him ravenous.

The sex was both familiar and new as Kate did her level best to resist him. She did not fight - he would never have touched her if he thought she did not want it - but she did not give in to him completely, either. Instead, she gave as good as she got with teasing and touching. They knew each other so well that neither had the upper hand, but at the same time, both wanted it.

By the end, they were both exhausted, and they collapsed together on the couch with Kate on top, completely spent.

He wrapped an arm around her even though she tensed at his touch. But he realized as he did so that she was trembling - not from pleasure, or even from pain, but from fear.

"It's okay," he told her. "Everything's going to be okay."

But Kate shook her head, her hair tickling his bare skin.

"What if he knows?" she asked. "What if he finds out and comes after you?"

"He won't find out," Castle told her with false confidence. In reality, he no longer cared if Maddox went after him. He refused to be parted from Kate, even to save his own life.

When Kate spoke, it was with great emotion, which he could tell she had buried deeply.

"I would rather die, Rick. Than see you hurt? I would rather die."

He pulled her even closer, hugging her body tighter to his, as though he could protect her in such a way.

"I guess that makes us even," he told her, "because I feel the same way about you."

* * *

tbc


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N:** The M-rated version of this chapter will be posted on the Extraordinary Lines archive. I've had requests to post it here, but I'm planning to keep this version T-rated, partially for those who prefer that type of rating and partially out of concern for keeping within ff's rating system.

Thank you to everyone who has reviewed. I know this is a tough story emotionally and I appreciate everyone who is hanging in there.

* * *

For several days, life went on as usual. Castle tried to write. While he and Kate were divorced, Nikki and Root's love was still alive and well and just as hot as ever. At first, he thought it would be hard to continue writing Nikki Heat novels, but it turned out to be easier than he expected.

On his days with Johanna he played with her, took her to the park and the aquarium and the children's museum, and at night when she was asleep, he plotted his next step.

Kate had made it very clear that there would be no more encounters between them until he began fulfilling his end of the bargain by dating other women. He still found the condition surprising, although he could only chalk it up to a distraction tactic, to keep anyone who may be watching them from noticing that their relationship had once again grown more personal.

To that end, the first thing Castle did was call Paula. He told her only as much as she needed to know, which was that he planned to begin dating again and wanted his playboy lifestyle paraded with the press as much as possible. Despite this direction being the exact opposite of what he had asked of her for the past several years, Paula went with it enthusiastically. She even sounded relieved.

"I'm glad you're planning on getting back on the market, Rick," she said. "It'll be good for you to get out."

"That's the other thing I need," he went on. "Can you get me some invitations to the biggest, flashiest publishing parties over the next few weeks?"

Thus began Castle's return to the limelight. He tried not to go out on his nights with Johanna, but when he did, he left her with Alexis or his mother. As both women were ignorant of his deal with Kate, they expressed either concern about his return to his former lifestyle (Alexis) or delight that he was finally getting over his latest divorce (his mother).

"How does Kate feel about this sudden dating spree?" his mother asked him pointedly one evening as he was about to head out on his second date in as many days.

While there was not a party, he had plans with a lovely young woman who was likely more interested in his bank account than him, but she had the right look to get him photographed and printed in the society section of the newspaper and blogs accompanied by plenty of speculation. On this particular evening, Johanna was with her mother so Martha had no qualms about censoring her questions.

"Kate doesn't have a problem with it. In fact, she encouraged me to start dating again," he said. All true.

But his mother narrowed her eyes at him suspiciously.

"She isn't over you, Richard," the actress informed him. "I can see it in her eyes every time she comes over to drop off Johanna."

"Not my problem," he declared. "She divorced _me_, remember?"

"Trust me, I remember."

There was no doubt that his mother remembered - it was one of the worst times of his life. He'd been angry and depressed, staying up until all hours of the night and then sleeping until noon the next day. He drank more than was good for him. He went to Kate's apartment and pleaded with her, multiple times, enough to prompt one of his ex-wife's concerned neighbors to call the cops.

Kate had sorted it out, explaining to the officers with sad eyes holding back tears that they were just recently divorced. No, Castle had never hurt or threatened her, she would not consider getting a restraining order, and she did not want him trespass warned. He had done nothing wrong, she told the officers. The cops walked him out of the building with a simple warning, but it was enough of a wake-up call.

Ultimately, it was Johanna who managed to ground him and keep him sane, just as Alexis had done years before. Their daughter, still so young and innocent, needed both her parents and she needed them to get along. And that meant Castle had to deal with Kate despite his hurt feelings and confusion over their split.

"I just want you to be happy, Richard," his mother told him.

He smiled her, perhaps his first genuine smile in a year. "I'm working on that."

* * *

His date turned out to be a livelier conversationalist than he anticipated, although she was only a few years older than his eldest daughter and had never seen Star Wars. "I don't like science fiction stuff," she explained.

"But you said you loved Avatar," he pointed out.

"Oh yeah, that was really good. But it wasn't about aliens and stuff."

He just nodded. "Right."

She actually seemed confused when he turned her down at the end of the date for a 'nightcap' at her place. She upgraded the offer to 'drinks,' and still he gave her a polite refusal.

"You know I'm offering sex, right?" she tried to clarify one last time.

"Tempting..." Castle said, although - not really, "but I had a lovely time tonight and I'd rather get to know you better before we take any big steps."

She looked disappointed, but gave him a smile of genuine affection as he walked her to the door of her apartment building. At the last moment, she tried to give him a kiss, but he turned expertly and her lips landed on his cheek. "Good night," he told her sincerely.

Avatar Girl, as he mentally dubbed her when he had trouble remembering her name later, was just the kind of woman he would have gladly spent the night with – before Kate. She was young, attractive, and sufficiently impressed with his celebrity to shower him with attention. But as he walked back to his car after the date, he felt nothing but relief that the ordeal was over.

From Avatar Girl's apartment, he went straight to Kate's place, stopping on his way at the Old Haunt to pick up a bottle of wine he had been saving in the private wine cellar.

When she opened the door, Kate sighed and said, "We didn't make plans for tonight."

"Don't care," he responded, walking past her into the apartment. "I just spent three hours with a woman whose name I for the life of me can't remember at the moment, and all I could think about was you."

"You agreed to the deal," she pointed out. "Just sex."

While her voice was chiding, he could see sadness in her eyes, an expression of resignation and despair. Clearly she wanted more than what was promised in their deal, but she would not allow herself to have it, would not allow herself to accept anything more from him.

"Fine. Then let's have sex." He yanked off his jacket and began to unbutton his shirt even as Kate rolled her eyes at him. He stopped his movements as she pulled the wine from his hands and took it to the kitchen to open it. He thought he heard her mutter, "smartass" but wasn't sure.

As Castle followed her into the kitchen, he asked, "How's Johanna?"

"She's good. Sleeping. She went with me shopping today. She spent over forty-five minutes just trying on dresses and looking at accessories. Turns out she's more of a girly girl than I would have expected."

He smiled at the thought of the toddler in pink tutus and ruffled dresses.

"So your date wasn't any fun?" Kate asked as she pulled out the wine bottle opener.

"My date was twenty-three years old. She thought Nikki Heat was 'cool' but wished I'd go back to writing Derek Storm, because she'd actually read one of those novels. Or started it. Or something." He shrugged, not really caring. The last thing he wanted to talk about was some other woman.

"You know, there are interesting women out there who do have more than two brain cells to rub together," she stated. "Maybe you should look for one of them."

"Why bother when I'm looking at one right now?" he asked, the question not at all rhetorical.

Unlike his date, who had been wearing some expensive dress which barely qualified as more than a scarf, Kate was attired casually in jeans and a soft oversized t-shirt with her hair pulled into a messy bun. There was no comparison - Kate was both prettier and sexier.

"Castle..." she began to warn, even as she handed him a glass of the wine he'd brought.

"I know, I know, just sex. But is it too much to ask for a decent conversation while I'm bringing you to the heights of passion?"

She laughed even as she teased, "Do I have to make a rule about no talking?"

"Does that include moaning? Because you know you'd break your own rule pretty quickly."

He loved watching her laugh. Her eyes lit up in a way that just did something to him inside. Her laugh made her even more beautiful in his eyes, as unlikely as that seemed. Unfortunately, from the looks of it, she did not do it nearly enough any more.

"God, you're so beautiful," he said a moment later, watching as she took a sip of the wine. It was a special bottle, one he'd been saving for a celebratory occasion. He'd bought it before the divorce and it had been gathering dust in his private office at the Old Haunt ever since. Tonight seemed like special occasion enough to break it out. Getting to see her, gorgeous and open and free, was definitely a special occasion.

The compliment made Kate blush even as she responded tartly, "Rick, you're trying awfully hard here when you know it's pretty much a sure thing."

She was far from a sure thing, even taking their deal into consideration. He fully intended to savor every moment allowed with her and to take not a second of it for granted.

Setting his glass aside, Castle approached her, backing her into the kitchen counter behind her. "I love it when you talk sexy," he said, his observation producing another gorgeous laugh.

And when he kissed her, she did not resist. In fact, she kissed him back with an unreserved passion that traveled straight through him. Sex with Kate had never been dull. And as she let him undress her and hoist her onto her kitchen counter, she reinforced to him exactly what he had been missing over the last year.

* * *

They had just finished and were putting their garments back on when they heard crying from the bedroom. As she pulled her pants on and yanked her t-shirt back over her head, Kate quickly moved in that direction and opened the door. Hastily dressing himself, Castle followed quickly behind her.

"It's okay, sweetie. Momma's here," she said, picking up the distressed toddler from her crib. Castle followed her into the bedroom and watched her with the child.

Expertly, Kate calmed the baby with soothing words and a gentle rocking motion. After Johanna had stopped crying, she turned so that the tiny girl could see Castle. "And see, there's your daddy," she said. "You know when your daddy's here, everything is all better."

Unconsciously, Johanna nodded her head along with Kate's words and Castle suspected that this was not anything new that she was hearing. He wondered how much Kate talked about him to the two-year-old.

"Do you want to go see daddy?" Kate offered, but Johanna vigorously shook her head and buried her face against her mother.

"Momma," she said simply.

"Are you sure, sweetie? I know I always feel better when Daddy hugs me."

Johanna considered this logic for a moment before changing her mind and giving a deliberate nod. Kate quickly handed her over to him before she could waffle again and Castle received the girl with eager arms.

"What's all this fuss about?" he asked. "Did you have a bad dream?"

Nodding, Johanna elaborated with a simple, "Spiders."

"We saw a spider in the apartment this morning," Kate explained. "At first she thought it was really cool, but then it started walking across the floor and she got scared."

"Spiders won't hurt you, sweetie. Well, most won't..." Not needing to get into the specifics of bad spiders and not-bad ones, he quickly began to tell her a made up story about a lonely little spider just looking for a friend. He kept the story short as Johanna tended to have a limited attention span, and by the end of the tale he could see her eyes drooping once more.

As she began nodding off on his shoulder, he gently placed her back into her crib. As he spared a glance at Kate, he noticed a look in her eyes he easily recognized. It was the look she gave him when he first handed her the baby in the hospital when sweat had dotted her brow from a long and difficult labor. It was the look she gave him when Johanna took her first steps, releasing Kate's outstretched fingers just long enough to toddle into his arms. It was the look that told him she had complete confidence in his parenting abilities even when she doubted her own.

Quietly, they both exited the bedroom and Kate quietly pulled the door shut behind her. Retrieving their forgotten glasses of wine, Castle followed her to the living room couch. He sat very close to her, close enough that their bodies touched, before handing over her glass.

"You're so good with her," she said.

Castle snorted. "She always wants you. When she wakes up at the loft, it takes twice as long to get her to sleep because she wants her momma."

Guilt flashed across her face and he instantly regretted telling her that secret. After the divorce, he had resented the girl's constant desire for her mother. But as time wore on, he realized that the baby was only voicing what they both wanted.

"Rick, I'm sorry. You know I would change things if I could."

"Would you?" he asked despite himself. "Would you really?"

"What do you mean?"

Castle demanded bluntly, "If Maddox hadn't made the threat on my life, would you still want to be with me?"

"You know I would," Kate said softly. "Why are you asking me this?"

"We got married so quickly after we found out you were pregnant. I expected you to say no, but you accepted."

Part of him had proposed because even though it was old fashioned, he wanted to be married before the birth of their child. The other part of him had screamed in terror that they were moving too quickly, that he was making the same mistake he'd already made twice before. But in the end, the hopeful side of him had won out and he'd gotten her to the courthouse as quickly as possible, all the while expecting her to back out at any moment.

"I did accept," she affirmed, and Castle could see something behind her eyes, something wistful and romantic.

"Why?"

He stared at her, waiting for an answer. But rather than give him what he wanted, she set her glass of wine on the coffee table and stood up for the couch. That beautiful something in her eyes had been extinguished, replaced by cold and loneliness sadness.

"You can let yourself out," she told him before going back into her bedroom and shutting the door behind her.

With a sigh, Castle buried his face in his hands. They were having such a nice evening and he'd had to go and ruin it. He just wanted her to admit that she still loved him, to hear her say it once more. Because if she did, he would challenge her - if she loved him so much, surely it was worth the risk? If he was willing to face that danger, what right did she have to take that choice away from him?

* * *

tbc


	6. Chapter 6

A/N: Thank you to everyone for the reviews! Feedback is so appreciated.

* * *

The next two weeks went by in a blur. Most evenings, Castle found himself out - either on a date with a pretty, unattached woman or playing father. Some nights it was just him, Alexis, and Johanna. While his oldest daughter was still in college, she had taken to having dinner with him several nights a week after the divorce. Sometimes she would sit and do homework while Johanna played on the floor. Sometimes both girls would play together, the older delighting in the simple joys of the younger.

Other nights Castle spent with Kate, usually late in the evening. At first, she kept them to the strict rule of sex only, allowing minimal conversation and shooing him out the door as soon as they were finished. But he gradually won her back over with his charm, cracking jokes to see her smile. He would also bring her gifts - bottles of wine, flowers, or the occasional stuffed animal. The stuffed animals she would laugh or roll her eyes at and put in Johanna's toy box. He knew bringing her coffee at such late hours would not be appreciated, and she would see right through him. But he could not help himself with the tokens. He just adored seeing her smile.

One night when it was just the two of them, they finished off an entire bottle of wine, leaving Kate freer and more talkative than he had seen her since the beginning of their arrangement.

After what he considered to be one of his particularly better performances, he had jokingly asked her if he was the best she'd ever had. Unexpectedly, she responded, "Yes." She went on to explain, "Of course, it isn't just the physical aspect. It isn't just sex for you, Rick. You make love. You put your heart and soul in it every time."

Trying to defer the compliment, Castle noted, "You aren't so bad yourself."

And by 'not so bad' he really meant 'absolutely spectacular' and 'the only woman he ever wanted to sleep with ever again.'

Continuing, Kate said, "You're a good man, Rick. You really deserve to be happy."

"You make me happy," he told her without hesitation.

"No, I mean really happy. Not this clandestine, sneaking around thing we've been doing. That can't be enough for you."

Maybe it was because she was a little tipsy, but she spoke with complete seriousness. She actually believed that she was not enough, that he deserved more than her.

Kate added, "I was so selfish for even starting this with you. I should have left you alone. If I stayed away from you, maybe you could find someone-"

She looked so guilty, he could not help but wonder, was that why she required that he date other women? Castle had considered it an attempt at distraction, to keep anyone watching them off the trail of their rekindled relationship. But he wondered if it wasn't something else, if Kate wasn't trying to actually get him onto the dating field.

"You didn't start this," he interrupted her firmly. "_I_ started it. And I don't ever want you to leave me alone. If you gave me a choice between, say, seeing you twice a week and being with anyone else full time, I would pick you. Twice a week. Without question."

Kate shook her head. "It isn't enough. You need more."

"I'll take this."

"But you should have _more_," she responded. "You deserve more, and pretending otherwise does a disservice to both of us."

Forcing himself to remain calm, Castle stated, "Unless I can have more of you, I don't want it."

"I wish, Castle," she said, running a hand through her hair. "I really wish..."

"I know you're afraid," he attempted, but she instantly shut him down.

"I'm not afraid. I'm terrified," Kate said, stealing all the wind from his sails. "Castle, he didn't just threaten to kill you. He told me the ways he could do it, and they aren't pretty. And I have no way to protect you."

"We could run away together."

"He would find us."

"You don't know that."

With a sigh, she said, "I know that I can't risk it. I can't risk your life like that. You are Johanna's father. She needs you in her life. I-"

Cutting herself off when she realized she was about to admit to needing him, Kate said quietly, "You know I would give you anything. Anything."

"You won't give me all of you," Castle pointed out.

Kate remained silent for several moments, and he feared he had overstepped the bounds of this tenuous relationship again. Technically, they were divorced, and she had no obligations to give him anything.

"You have all of me," she whispered, so low that he could barely hear her. She spoke as though he literally held her heart in his hands. "I can't give you what you need, but you do have all of me."

Castle swallowed dryly, wishing he could just take her in his arms and made the entire situation better. But he couldn't. Between the threat from Maddox and Kate's fear, they were stuck in this hellish limbo of loving but not actually being together. And every time he tried to push her, she just expressed her willingness to let him go, for his own sake.

He wondered if he could do the same for her, if their situations were reversed. If Maddox had knocked out Kate and then proceeded to change the terms of the deal with Castle, would he have adhered to it? Or would he have whisked her off to some foreign country and bought an impenetrable compound to keep her safe? And what about Johanna? That was no way to live, and both of them wanted the girl to have a normal, healthy childhood.

"If I have all of you, then I have all I need," Castle informed her.

* * *

Another week went by, one plagued by the kind of bad luck and aggravation that drove Castle crazy.

Someone must have informed Johanna about the terrible two's at the same time she learned to use the word, "No!" Everything at the loft was "No." When he tried to put her shoes on in the morning, she informed him, "No." When he asked if she wanted pancakes for breakfast, that was a "No." Also, "No" to the park, the zoo, the playground, and to Gram's Acting Studio. By nap time, the toddler was still in nothing more than a pull-up and a pair of socks and had refused to eat anything.

Alexis, his one constant pleasure, had exams that week and would not even return his phone calls, let alone answer her cell for anything other than a veritable "Emergency." His mother, who agreed to baby-sit, was preparing for another one-woman show, making everything into a dramatic monologue.

"By all means, Richard. Go out and paint the town red. I will stay here, ever loyal and faithful, and take care of your family. I will shelter this little bird with my wings, keep her safe from harm..."

And so it went.

Now, the blonde 20-something he'd asked out at a party the week before had canceled their date on his way to pick her up, leaving him with the evening suddenly free. But when he called Kate, she told him that she was at the precinct working a case. It was a particularly difficult one - something about a door locked from the inside and a gunshot entry and exit wound with no bullet to be found.

Without even thinking about it, Castle stripped off his tie and headed for the precinct. The watch captain recognized him and waived him through with a surprised look. Castle did not blame him; he hadn't been to the precinct in the year since the divorce. But it was much the same as he remembered it. The same elevator, the same low-level buzz of activity as the night shift went on duty, not nearly as loud as during the day, but still busy.

As the elevator let him out on the appropriate floor, he spotted Kate's desk across the bull pen. Ryan and Esposito were with her, all three of them staring at the murder board. The timeline was relatively sparse and the column under "Suspects" completely empty.

"So what have we got?" he asked as he approached. Three heads turned to him in unison, the first looking absolutely horrified while the other two betrayed a mixture of excitement and wariness.

"Hey, man!" Ryan greeted him first, reaching out without hesitation to shake his hand before pulling him into a two-pat hug. Esposito moved with less eagerness, but he also greeted the writer warmly.

Only Kate did not move from her position sitting on the side of her desk. The chair - his chair - was gone, probably given away to some other division long ago. She stared at him with an expression which was difficult to read. She was angry, certainly, but also afraid. Noticing her murderous look, the two male detectives took a step back and suddenly pretended to be extremely interested in some detail on the murder board.

She hissed at Castle, "Break room. Now."

He followed her in, surprised to notice that the espresso machine he had donated was still in use. She shut the door sharply behind him before turning to yell at him.

"What the hell are you thinking coming here?" she demanded.

Castle shrugged diffidently. "Sounded like a tough case. Thought I'd drop by and see if you needed another set of eyes."

"I don't need another set of eyes," she stated bluntly. "And you need to get out of here."

"I'm in a police station. What could happen?"

"Go home. Now."

She moved to leave the break room, but he stopped her in her tracks by saying, "I'm not going."

Turning, she argued, "Yes you are. Or the deal is off."

"Just one case," he haggled. Maybe if he could ease her back into their old relationship slowly, over time, he could convince her that nothing bad would happen. Call it testing the waters.

"No."

"Just tonight."

"Absolutely not, Castle."

"An hour? Let me look at what you guys have. I need some inspiration for Nikki." Her eyebrows went up at that comment, and he added, "You know, procedural inspiration."

"What part of 'no' are you not understanding here, Rick?" she asked, looking as determined as ever. In that moment, her resemblance to Johanna was so uncanny that he could hardly believe it.

"You sound just like our daughter," he remarked. "She's pretty fond of that word at the moment herself."

His change of subject threw her for half a second before she refocused her anger on him.

"Castle, what's it going to take for me to get you to leave?" she demanded.

Shrugging his shoulders, he responded, "Well, I suppose you could shoot me. Or you could let me look at your case. I see Gates has already gone home and it is just you and the guys. What could it hurt?"

In the end, she gave in. It took him making her a cup of coffee - she still didn't know how to properly use that machine - and promising to leave in an hour, but she finally caved. The guys were excited to have him back, even if only for the evening, and they quickly dived back into the case.

The murder turned out to be as puzzling as Kate had originally described. They reviewed every scrap of evidence, not only for Castle's benefit, but to make sure they had not missed anything. And as it turned out, they had. A button found on the floor in a corner turned out to match the jacket of one of the victim's coworkers. That fact would not have been as interesting if the victim had not died in a locked room in his own home.

They quickly theorized the coworker was sleeping with the victim's wife - who seemed suspicious but had an iron-tight alibi - and killed him so the two of them could be together. They still needed to check some things and bring in the co-worker, but it was a solid enough lead to end the night on.

Instead of walking out with the guys, Castle waited for Kate to finish up her paperwork. He had every intention of walking her to a cab before returning home himself. But as soon as the elevator doors closed on Ryan and Esposito, she turned on him.

"Get out of here," she said, seething.

"Are you mad that I solved the case?" he asked.

"I'm mad that you broke the deal. We are not supposed to be seen together in public."

He pointed out, "This isn't public."

"It's a police station. The ceilings have eyes and the walls have ears."

"It'll be fine," he assured her. "You'll see."

Against her wishes, he did indeed walk her downstairs before catching a cab back to the loft. He wished he could kiss her goodnight, or at least just tell her how wonderful it had been to work with the team again. But she separated from him instantly without a look back in his direction.

While it was well after midnight by the time he arrived home, his mother was waiting up for him.

"You're getting home late," she remarked as he took off his jacket and dead bolted the loft door.

Frowning, he responded, "Not unusual for me."

"It is when your date called four hours ago to apologize once again for canceling your dinner plans."

Ah, so she had stayed up to grill him on his whereabouts. Not that he had any intention of telling her the truth.

"I don't smell any alcohol on your breath," she observed, "so you weren't out drowning your sorrows at a bar."

"Not my style," he agreed. When he indulged in both alcohol and self pity, he preferred to do it in the comfort of his own home.

"No traces of perfume or lipstick on your shirt, so it wasn't a woman," his mother stated. He glanced down and wondered how often she noticed such things. Any perfume or lipstick she may have spotted in the last few weeks would have been Kate's and Kate's alone. He rarely let his "real" dates get that close.

"So either you were out committing a murder or you were solving one," she finally surmised.

"You caught me," he said, deadpan, as he headed in the direction of his office. "I was committing a murder."

"Richard," she scolded, following him. "You have been acting very strangely the last few weeks. Suddenly dating all kinds of women when you refused to even consider such a thing before. Parties and late nights."

"None of that is unusual for me, Mother."

"It is since you and Kate got together. And even stranger, you seem to be... enjoying yourself," she finished. "And that is very unusual."

"No, it isn't," he contradicted, settling down in his chair in front of his laptop. Despite her standoffishness, the evening at the precinct with Kate had rekindled all kinds of new ideas for his latest Nikki Heat book.

"It has been since Kate left," she stated matter-of-factly. Castle's eyes darted up at the use of his ex-wife's name, and he caught his mother's gaze just in time to see the recognition in her own eyes. "That's it," she said with sudden realization. "You've been seeing Kate, haven't you?"

He sputtered a, "No comment," before shifting his eyes back towards his computer.

"Richard Castle, you've been dating your ex-wife and you didn't think to tell me about it?"

While he had every intention of keeping his promise to Kate about maintaining a low profile with their 'deal,' he realized that giving his mother nothing would be even worse than giving her just a little something.

"Theoretically," he began, "if Kate and I were to be having some sort of secret relationship - which we aren't - there might be a perfectly good reason for us to keep it secret."

There, that was something at least. Not an admittance by any means, but just enough of a hypothetical denial to keep her satisfied.

"I hope you know what you're doing, Richard," she said before leaving him to his own thoughts.

"So do I," he said to himself after she had left the room.

* * *

tbc


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N**: So today is September 24th. Just a few more hours to go!

The M-rated version of this chapter is being posted on Extraordinary Lines.

Thank you to all the readers and followers and especially the reviewers. Your comments are very appreciated.

* * *

The next two days passed slowly as Castle waited impatiently for his next scheduled 'date night' with Kate. Since he showed up at the station, she had been stricter about adhering to their original twice a week rule. In return, he simply began lying about having dates with other women. First, he doubted that she would know as he was no longer making even the internet blogs with all his "rebound dating" as they put it, but secondly, and more importantly, he just could not stand another minute with a woman other than Kate.

Kate opened her door wearing high heels and a short but tasteful dress. Her make-up and hair were done as though she had plans to going out, and Castle mentally calculated to ensure he had not gotten the time of their date wrong. No, they had planned on him coming by at 10 pm on Thursday. His mother was babysitting Johanna, leaving him with the entire night free. Not that Kate ever let him spend the night, but he figured that hope springs eternal.

"You look nice," he said carefully, not sure the purpose behind her outfit.

"Thank you."

"Any particular reason you look so nice?"

She shrugged before responding, "Just thought you'd appreciate me in more than jeans and a baggy shirt."

Not that he minded the extra effort, but Castle genuinely adored her 'baggy shirt and jeans' look.

"Lucky me," he said under his breath as he observed the curve of her body through the dress. Really, any look on her was an instant favorite.

As Castle followed her into the apartment, he wished once again that she would let him take her out to dinner. He had offered before - many times over the prior weeks - and was always shot down, even when he promised to take them somewhere out of the way and as anonymous as one could get in New York City. But she would shake her head sadly and look away before suggesting that he ask out one of his 'real dates.'

Music was playing, something soft and jazzy, and she had lit candles in the living room. Even in the dim light he could make out a tray of food on the coffee table and next to it a chilled bottle of champagne with two glasses.

"Wow," he said, taking in the entire picture.

"Thought I'd make it special tonight," Kate said with a shrug, as though making it up to him that they could not go out to a restaurant for dinner.

A thought suddenly occurred to him and he voiced it before he could even think to censor himself. "You aren't breaking up with me, are you?"

She smirked at his question, which would have annoyed him if it did not foretell that she thought the inquiry ridiculous. "I already did that, remember?" she stated.

"Believe me, I remember. I mean, you're not ending our... deal, are you?"

"No, I'm not ending the deal," she said even as she reached out gentle fingers to loosen his tie. Instantly, he felt more relaxed and ready to give himself up to whatever she was planning to do to him.

After the tie, she helped him out of his jacket before leading him by the hand to the couch. Once there, she fed him a cracker from the tray with something delicious on it. Some sort of creamy seafood-type dip. He didn't bother asking, did not want to distract her from whatever she had planned. Instead, he watched as she expertly removed the champagne cork and poured them both a glass of the bubbly substance.

He held up his glass as he considered what sort of toast to make.

"To us," he said simply.

"To tonight," Kate said.

Her amendment did not surprise him and considering how much work she had put into 'tonight,' Castle decided that it was worth the toast. "To tonight," he agreed, and they clinked glasses.

At first they limited the conversation to small talk, discussing the case he had helped with earlier in the week and how Johanna was doing. He considered telling her about his mother guessing that they were 'seeing each other,' but ultimately decided that it would concern her unduly. Instead, he told her an entirely fictional but amusing anecdote from his fake date from the night before. As she laughed at his story, Castle realized that as much as he loved being a writer, if his audience consisted of only her for the rest of his life, he could live with that.

When he wrote Nikki Heat, he only thought of her, Kate Beckett, the real homicide detective who dealt with real crimes and real victims. Would Kate find this chapter believable? Would Kate think this scenario was sexy? Would Kate roll her eyes if he had Rook do this? Would Kate like this description?

"You okay, Rick?" she asked, even as he hoped she would call him 'Castle' once again. She used to call him by his first name only occasionally, but she began doing it more and more after they were married. Now, in a perverse sort of reverse reality, she only called him by his last name in rare, emotionally charged moments.

"Yeah, just thinking."

The edges of her lips lifted into a smile as she guessed, "About writing?"

"Sort of." To keep the mood light, he added, "I think I need more mystery in the new book. I've written about a dozen sex scenes but Gina says I have to actually let the characters investigate a crime."

That produced another laugh, just as he had hoped. But then her expression grew more serious.

"I'm glad you kept writing. When I… when I left…" - Kate deliberately avoided the D-word – "I worried that you would stop."

Her concern was not unrealistic. Castle did indeed have trouble writing after the divorce. He had even toyed with dropping the Nikki Heat series altogether and starting something else. But once he actually sat down and settled back into the familiar characters and backgrounds, it proved easier than he thought. While writing about that fiction life could never be a true substitute, it did help with the pain of Kate's rejection. He had actually released two new novels since their split.

"So you liked the books?"

Castle hadn't asked her when they released, and she hadn't said anything. But at every book signing, he sat there hoping that he would look up and see her standing there, ready to come back to him. She never did, of course, and part of him wondered if she'd even bothered to read the books. Now that he knew the real reason for the divorce, he couldn't fathom her not having read them.

"I like everything you write," she responded evasively. He was preparing to say something, to ask her more about her opinions on the novels, but Kate silenced him with her lips.

As her mouth worked magic on his own, her small fingers undid the buttons on his dress shirt. And then he was lost in a haze of Kate as she led him into her bedroom and slowly, deliberately removed the rest of his clothing before letting him pull off her dress. As she pushed him onto her bed, he realized she had lit candles in this room as well. Before she thoroughly distracted him, he noticed a number of familiar items - dresser, chair and vanity, laundry hamper - as well as a neat stack of Nikki Heat novels on her bedside table. All the Nikki Heat novels, even the new ones.

Just as he was about to remark on the books, her mouth descended once again onto his lips, and all logical thought left his brain.

They moved slowly and deliberately, without the urgency of two lovers long denied. After several weeks of this deal they had struck, he and Kate had almost settled back into their old rhythms. Castle still worried that she might stop it at any point, that she might cut off this relationship – and despite what she might say, it _was_ a relationship. He had enjoyed no-strings-attached sexual relationships in the past, mostly one night stands and drunken hook-ups with people he really shouldn't have been hooking up with. But with Kate, the emotions were there. The romance was there. It wasn't about just sex and it never had been with them.

If it was just sex, she never would have lit the candles. The flames cast tiny shadows across the room, bathing her skin in glowing amber light. If it was just sex, she would not have made food and chilled a bottle of champagne. He'd only had a few swallows of his glass, and surely the delicious tingling in his belly was from the sight of her rather than the alcohol.

If it were just sex, Castle doubted that she would have done her make-up and hair and clothing just so, as though their evening together was something special. If it were just sex, he wouldn't see the love shining in her eyes as they laid on the bed together. He wouldn't touch her gently, reverently, as though she was more than just a woman, more than any woman. More than the mother of his child and the star in all his fantasies since the moment they met.

If it were just sex, none of that would matter. But with her, it was everything. She was everything.

And it wasn't just about the sex.

* * *

They lay together in bed in the aftermath of their love making, and while Castle considered the words cliché, he knew they were fitting because obviously, it was not 'just sex.' Propped on her side next to him, Kate lazily ran the tips of her fingers over his bare chest, making lines and circles as they spoke in the candle light.

"You have to admit," Castle said, "we're pretty good at that."

He felt the puff of air on his arm as Kate snorted in amusement. "Yeah we are," she agreed.

"You are amazing."

It wasn't a compliment, merely a very true observation. She was amazing. Absolutely amazing. Incredible. Fantastic. The adjectives in his mental repertoire were inadequate to the task of describing her.

"Not so bad yourself."

"I love you," he volunteered.

"I love you, too," she responded, sounding almost sad. "I hope you always remember that."

The words stabbed at his heart. Even though she loved him, he knew she would not do anything about it. It was that very love for him which she held contained within her that kept them apart. In a way, her love for him gave her little more than torture as it simultaneously kept her from finding happiness. Belated, he wondered if she could move on if he gave her that freedom, if he encouraged her to find someone new.

The thought of her with another man nauseated him, but at the same time, he needed to consider her welfare. Would she be better off without him in her bed? Would she be more likely to consider the advances of that new detective from Vice? Build a new life, perhaps even go back to living it?

He wasn't sure if she would.

Pushing away those depressing thoughts, Castle focused his mind on something much more enjoyable.

"Where do you think we would be if we hadn't gotten divorced?" he asked. Quickly, he added, "If there were no Maddox and no threat on our lives, if we had just continued on..."

He waited as Kate considered the hypothetical. It was a question he had often considered himself, especially on lonely nights when he had trouble sleeping in an otherwise empty bed.

Finally, she ventured, "I think we'd be working on another Johanna."

"Really?" he responded, surprised. Their daughter had been a complete accident, likely conceived their first night together, or sometime that week. It was impossible to pinpoint, of course. And while they had been careful and taken precautions, it was as though their girl had decided it was time for her to come into the world.

While Castle never regretted it, he also had not considered having more children with Kate. When they were married, she was already four months pregnant. Somewhat selfishly, he wanted them to have time just to themselves. So after Johanna was born, they had shelved the idea of more children for a time.

But now that she mentioned it, it made so much sense. Johanna had added nothing but joy to their lives and he did not regret Kate's pregnancy. Having another baby with her would be wonderful.

"Well, we did pretty well the first time," Kate said.

Forcing himself not to offer to make her pregnant right then and there, he asked, "What else?"

"We would fight a lot."

Now there was a truth he rarely considered. When they were married, they bickered like the proverbial old married couple. He did so many things which got on her nerves while he often found her skepticism trying. Oh, but he would give so much to have that back and forth fighting in his life again.

"Over stupid things," he remarked with a laugh.

"You would cook and I would do the dishes," Kate continued.

"Unless I did the dishes first." He usually got to them before she did, preferring to get everything done the night before while she did not mind tackling such tasks in the morning.

"You would stay up half the night writing and wake me up when you came to bed."

Another truth. He had often done that when they were married, although she never complained. Instead, she would whisper his name in the dark, a confused question. He would tell her to go back asleep, and only after she had reached out and touched him, assuring herself that he was safe and sound, would she return to dreamland.

"You would stay at the precinct until I called you to come home," he returned. Sometimes, when the case was particularly bad, she would even refuse to come home for a few hour's rest. In those circumstances, he would drag himself from bed and stop off at an all-night diner for hot food to take her. If he didn't stay, he would simply hand her the food, kiss her on the lips, and return home to wait for her in their bed.

He waited for her to do another one, to make another observation about their past couched in terms of a hypothetical alternate future. But she remained silent for several moments. Finally, just as Castle thought she had given up on the game, she sighed. "You would be alive and safe."

At first, he said nothing in response. What could he say? Except-

"You would be happy."

As they drifted off to sleep, too tired to continue the conversation, Kate warned him that he needed to go home. He was not permitted to spend the night. Castle had every intention of obeying her directive, only... he just needed to close his eyes for a few minutes. Their activities that night had truly worn him out and he just needed to rest for a moment.

The next thing he knew, there was light coming through the windows and the digital clock on Kate's nightstand read 7:03 a.m. He pushed himself out of bed and began dressing just as she awoke as well.

She did not yell or chastise him, nor was it necessary. The look of utter terror he saw on her face was punishment enough for falling asleep. Before leaving, he paused to kiss her one last time. As his lips touched hers, he noted the moisture gathering in her eyes.

Her tears hurt almost as much as her expression of regret.

* * *

tbc


	8. Chapter 8

As he returned home that morning, Castle had an extra spring in his step and a smile on his face. Not only had the date with Kate been the best since their divorce, he had actually spent the night in her bed.

The whole night. In her bed.

He considered doing a cartwheel, he was so elated. He let the memory of silent worry nag him only a little.

His mother was waiting for him as he entered the loft door. She had Johanna in her booster chair at the table already and was attempting to convince her to eat cheerios.

"No!" the toddler cried gleefully, pushing the offending circles away as though it were some kind of game.

"Ah, your father's home," Martha said to the girl with a long-suffering sigh. "Maybe he can get you to eat breakfast."

"Is she not eating?" Castle demanded with an exaggerated voice and facial expression. Then, to the young girl, he asked, "Are you not eating those delicious cheerios? Well if you won't eat them, I'm going to gobble them all up!"

He made for the bowl of cereal as though he really did plan to steal them, and she squealed as she guarded them jealously from his seeking fingers. Immediately, she began shoving the cheerios into her mouth one at a time.

"Daddy silly," she mumbled.

"Daddy is silly, munchkin," he agreed with her.

"Daddy is also very late," Martha added, obviously fishing for information more than being accusatory.

"I told you I had plans last night."

"With Kate?"

"With... a woman," he acknowledged, still not ready to give her all the specifics.

"A woman you spent the entire night with while your child was under this roof," she reminded him. "When was the last time you did that?"

She had a point there. When Alexis was little, he almost never brought women to the house and he rarely spent the night at a woman's place unless his daughter was either staying with friends or staying with his mother back before she moved into the loft. He might be out late, but not the entire night. The last thing he ever wanted was for his daughter to go looking for him in the middle of the night and for him not to be there for her.

"Did anything happen while I was gone?"

"No, of course not. I would have called you. But that isn't the point, Richard."

"Then what is the point?" he asked, suddenly tired of being grilled on the subject.

"The point is, if the two of you are back together, maybe you should ask her to move back in." She looked so hopeful as she made the suggestion that Castle barely had the heart to tell her that may never happen. And if it did, it certainly would not be any time soon.

One of the surprising things about his early relationship with Kate was how quickly she bonded with both his mother and Alexis. While his daughter had been standoffish at first, having already lost one stepmother in Gina - totally his fault - she quickly warmed to the detective. And once they found out Kate was pregnant and they decided to get married, they truly did gel into a real family.

The divorce hit Alexis hard, as he knew it would. She refused to speak to Kate for a long time. And then one day he learned that the two of them had met for coffee, probably so they could exchange Johanna for visitation. Castle still had no idea what they talked about that day but afterwards, Alexis stopped speaking badly about Kate. He even suspected that they still got together once in a while without even the pretense of passing the baby back and forth.

Considering how much their divorce had affected all the women in his life, he had no desire to raise his mother's hopes only to have them dashed once more.

"Mother, it's... complicated, okay?" he ventured. "Let's just leave it at that."

Martha soon departed to attend to her own life, and Castle spent the rest of the morning playing with his young daughter, using games and toys to help her learn colors and numbers. By the time he put Johanna down for her afternoon nap, he was ready for a few moments to himself. He turned on his laptop and was already typing away when his cell phone rang.

He glanced at the screen to see if the caller was important enough for him to interrupt his writing time.

Kate Beckett's name flashed on the screen. He had long since deleted the picture of her. It was too painful to see her image every time she called to work out visitation arrangements for Johanna.

Instantly, he answered the phone. "Hello?"

"Castle?"

She sounded... scared. Terrified. Panicked.

"I'm here," he assured her.

"Okay, you have to listen to me. No questions, just do exactly what I tell you. Maddox knows about us, he knows I broke the deal. I'm afraid he's coming after you."

"How do you-"

"I said no questions!" she interrupted sharply. "Now I need you to grab Johanna and get on a plane. Get out of the country, as far away as possible. Don't tell anyone where you're going..." Kate paused to take a halting breath. "And take Alexis and your mom, too. Alexis just finished exams, so her schedule is clear for a few weeks."

His heart was racing and his palms had grown sweaty at the thought of any of them in danger. But one detail tickled the back of his mind.

"You're coming with us, aren't you?"

There was a pause before she responded just as he knew she would.

"No, I'm staying here. He might be watching me, waiting to make his move. If I try to leave, it will tip our hand," she said.

"If he's coming after me, there's no sense in you staying."

"Rick, I'm not arguing with you."

"I can't just leave you..."

"Yes you can and you will. This was always the deal. You get them to safety. Don't waste any time. You have Johanna's passport at the loft. You have everything you need. Call Alexis and Martha and have them meet you at the airport. Go now, Castle."

She ended the call before he could say anything else, before he could tell her he loved her.

It only took him a second or two to collect his thoughts before he kicked into high gear. He immediately went to the safe and opened it. In addition to their passports and important papers, he had about fifty thousand dollars in cash - an emergency fund. Taking out the cash and the other items he needed, Castle grabbed his cell phone back up and began making calls. Within fifteen minutes, he had a private plane booked to take the family to a South American resort with the final destination to be provided when he and his family boarded the plane.

Next, he called Alexis and his mother. Both were surprisingly calm about the news that they were leaving the country. Castle wondered if Kate had prepared them for this possibility at some point. His mother agreed to pick up Alexis at her dorm room and take her straight to the private airport.

Ironically, getting Johanna ready took almost as long as all the other preparations combined. He threw a number of her things into a bag including several toys to keep her occupied. She was still sleepy when he woke her up and put her shoes on.

"Want Momma," she told him grumpily as she wiped at her eyes.

"Me too, sweetie. Me too."

He took a cab instead of his car in case anyone was trying to tail him, and then went to the trouble of changing cabs three times before finally giving the address to the private airport. Johanna fell asleep in his lap on the drive out.

When he arrived at the airport, he noticed that Alexis and his mother had beaten him there. The pilot of the charter jet was also ready and waiting for him, having been promised a hefty compensation for his last minute services. He came highly recommended by several friends for both his skill and discretion.

"Where to, Mr. Castle?" the man asked.

He quickly told the pilot their destination - a private island where they would be safe for the time being. The arrangements had already been made.

"I'll see you soon, okay, baby?" he said to Johanna before handing her over to Alexis. The bag with the toddler's things, the money, and their passports he handed to his mother.

"What?" his older daughter demanded. "You aren't going with us?"

"Kate needs me. I can't just abandon her here," he said.

His mother said worriedly, "Richard, it isn't safe for you here. Isn't that what Kate told you?"

"I don't care. I'm not leaving her." Leaning forward, he gave both women a kiss. "I love you both. Take care of Johanna. I'll either join you in a few days or call you with the all clear."

With one final nod to the pilot, Castle turned and headed back to the taxi waiting to drive him back to the city.

* * *

When Kate didn't answer her phone, Castle went straight to the precinct figuring that was the most likely place for her to be. She would not be hiding at home, nor would she be safe in an anonymous hotel somewhere, but rather in the thick of everything where she would be the most exposed.

Except, she wasn't there. Neither were the boys.

Without missing a beat, Castle immediately entered Gates' office. "Where are they?" he demanded.

"Mister Castle-"

His ire immediately growing at the captain's tone, he cut her off, "Look, I don't have time to do this with you today. Kate is in danger. I need to know where she is."

The older woman considered him a moment before responding. "She left about an hour ago. She and Detectives Esposito and Ryan appeared to be working on a cold case. They didn't tell me where they went."

The way she spoke, Castle realized that she knew what this was about. Maybe Kate confided in her, or maybe she was just an observant person, but she clearly knew. And she'd let her detectives go out and look for Maddox. But without knowing where they were...

"You might try calling Detective Ryan," she suggested quietly. "They appeared to be splitting up to check three different locations. He is the one most likely to pick up if you call."

Needing no further encouragement, Castle left her office and pulled out his phone to dial Ryan. As he did so, he looked over their desks for any indication of where they might have went. Three different locations? That meant they'd split up. It was against protocol and all good sense, but time was of the essence if they were trying to find Maddox before he went after Beckett and her family. Before he went after Castle.

"Hello?" Ryan answered after the third ring, not recognizing the number of Castle's emergency phone.

"Ryan, it's me. Is Kate with you?"

"No, man. We split up to try and find Maddox. She said you were leaving the city," the detective said, clearly confused.

"I sent Johanna with Alexis and my mother," he said impatiently. "I have to find Kate. She's in danger."

Silence on the line before Ryan stated hesitantly, "She gave Javi and I each an area to check and she took the third one. I don't know exactly where she is, but I have a good idea."

Ryan went on to describe what he knew in quick, broad strokes. They had gotten a lead on the phone call Maddox made from a burner phone purchased in Brooklyn three days ago. Kate had heard the sound of a train in the background and they'd traced the call through the satellites to one of two large areas on opposite sides of the city. Pinpointing abandoned buildings near train tracks in those areas, they came up with three possible places the assassin could be hiding, two of which were relatively close to each other. Ryan and Esposito agreed to search those areas and Kate took the area the furthest away.

"I tried to call Beckett, but she hasn't answered," Ryan said, clearly nervous. "I've looked around, but Maddox isn't here."

"Check with Esposito. If he didn't find anything, both of you meet me where Kate went to search. I'm going after her."

* * *

tbc


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N**: Thank you to everyone who has been reading, following, and reviewing this story. Ya'll are awesome and every time I hear from someone, it makes me want to write more. I plan to post the next chapter within the next day or so.

* * *

Having left his car at the loft, Castle took a cab to the location Ryan gave him. He desperately hoped that he would find Kate there unharmed, that it was just another abandoned building like the ones the guys had found. But as the cabbie pulled over and informed him that they had arrived at his destination, Castle immediately spotted her car. It was parked outside a large brick building which looked as though it had spent its younger days as a factory but was in the process of being converted to loft-style apartments before the housing boom went bust. Numerous broken windows, boarded up doors, and graffiti covering the exterior walls confirmed that it had been abandoned for some time.

Not bothering to search for smaller bills, Castle handed the driver a $100 note and exited the cab. He heard the car drive off as he walked towards the old building, trying to locate an entry point which was not boarded up or locked with chains. Just as he spotted a broken window low enough to the ground to crawl through, he heard the sound of a gunshot. Then another. Both came from within the building.

And then nothing.

Castle could only hear the sound of his blood rushing in his ears as he got into the building. Later, he could not remember how exactly. Maybe it was the window, maybe a door? He was not sure. All he knew was that the two sharp cracks of gunfire sent him into high gear and suddenly he was inside, searching the rooms and hallways for Kate.

After close to ten minutes of searching, he finally found her. It would have taken longer, but the echo of voices led him to an open area at the rear of the building which at one time was likely a small parking garage but was obviously used mostly for storage. Building supplies, boxes, and debris lined the walls.

"-and this isn't the first time you've broken the deal, Detective Beckett," Castle heard a male voice say in cool, detached tones. He realized that it must be Cole Maddox, the hired assassin. "I let you off with a warning before."

Then he heard Kate say desperately, "I didn't break the deal-"

The man interrupted her, more chiding than angry, "Oh, yes you did. I told you to stay away from Castle or I'd kill him. Didn't I? And now I come to find out that you've been engaging in a secret affair the last few weeks. Not to mention coming after me here..."

As Castle neared, he could tell they were just around the next corner. Very, very carefully, he ventured to look. A glance told him that Kate was on the ground, her hands clutching her upper thigh. Blood was flowing out between her fingers, and he realized with horror that she'd been shot. The wound was not life threatening, but she needed medical attention. Soon.

Maddox was standing only a few feet away from her, his gun drawn. Kate's gun had been kicked away, off to the side, and Castle spotted it halfway between him and Maddox. Kate had told him that the man was well trained and disarmed her easily that time on the roof, but it still surprised him to see her so easily beaten.

"You told me we couldn't be married. And we aren't," she said. Anger flared in her voice, and resentment.

"Splitting hairs, Detective?" Maddox said with a snear. "That doesn't become you."

"What do you care?" she demanded. "I've stayed away from the investigation. I have no idea who your employer is-" She said the word as though it tasted badly in her mouth – "What does it matter if I'm with Castle?"

"Oh, it doesn't matter to me," the hired gun responded neutrally. It was clear that Maddox truly did not care, not about Kate's relationship with Castle or Kate's investigation into her mother's murder or even Kate herself. "I'm only doing what I was hired to do."

She glared at him from the floor before glancing towards her gun. As she did so, Kate's eyes went wide and Castle knew she had seen him hiding behind the corner. But she quickly looked away, schooling her shocked expression to one of determination.

"Then do what you were hired for - kill me," she told him. As though a switch had been flicked, the fight had left her.

Castle's heart fell into his stomach at her words. She was actually instructing this man to murder her? Why would she challenge Maddox to kill her when she knew Castle was there, that he was ready to help her as soon as Maddox let down his guard...

And then Castle realized what she was doing.

"Don't worry," the man told her. "We'll get to that soon enough. But first I want to know where your ex-husband is hiding."

"He's gone," Kate stated neutrally. "Out of the country. You'll never find him."

Maddox snorted. "Really? He just left you here? That doesn't sound like the loving, devoted husband we both know him to be."

Kate glared at the man, and even from across the room Castle could see the vein in her neck thrumming. When she moved, she must have telegraphed her intentions, because as soon as she took her hands off her injured leg to push herself at Maddox, he sidestepped her and hit her in the back of the head. It was a foolish move, something she had no chance of carrying out. She fell onto her side with a groan and the assassin leveled his gun at her once more.

The sight of the man's finger as it slid in front of the trigger set something off in castle. Moving on pure instinct, Castle left his hiding place and dove for Kate's gun lying on the floor.

He wasn't fast enough.

Maddox must have seen movement out of the corner of his eye. He fired off two shots before Castle's hand wrapped around the grip of the gun, but Castle didn't feel that bright, sharp burst of pain that he was expecting. Miraculously, neither bullet hit him as he rolled out of the way to take cover behind a pile of debris. His 'cover' was nothing more than a pile of crates and boxes and Castle waited a longer second, expecting the inevitable hail of bullets to rip through the inadequate barrier.

Realizing that something prevented Maddox from continuing to shoot him, Castle moved to return fire but instantly stopped himself from squeezing the trigger.

The assassin had also taken cover, but instead of hiding behind debris or squatting behind a corner, he knelt directly behind Kate, using her as a human shield. And his gun was pointed at her head, one arm wrapped around her throat. Maddox had probably tried to pull her up so that he could be in a standing position, but her leg wound made that impossible.

"Might as well come out, Mr. Castle," Maddox called, clearly annoyed. "You know what'll happen if you don't."

"Castle, stay where you are!" Kate countermanded. She might have said more, but Maddox had flexed the arm he held around her neck and squeezed tightly. Her hands came up to try and pull his arm away, but she had neither the strength or the leverage.

Maddox stated blandly, "Come out now. You have to the count of three..."

Castle stood up and stepped out from behind the debris before the man could even say "One." But he kept Kate's gun trained on the man.

"Put down the gun," Maddox instructed impatiently.

"_You_ put down _your_ gun."

Maddox's hold tightened around Kate's neck and Castle could tell by the panicked expression in her eyes that the assassin had partially cut off her air flow. She could still breath, but only just barely. Kate continued to pull at his arm but she couldn't get a grip.

"You aren't exactly in a position to be making demands," Maddox noted.

"Really?" was Castle's retort. "This seems like an old-fashioned stand off to me."

"I _will_ kill her."

"Pull that trigger and I'll kill you. See? That's called a stand off."

The assassin stared at him with cold, calculating eyes, but he just stared right back at the man. He knew that if he put down the gun, Maddox would kill them both, starting with Kate. What he needed was a chink in the man's armor, a distraction or a second of hesitation. So he decided to do one of the things he did best. He started talking.

"So what's the plan here?" Castle asked. "Kill us both and go on your merry way?"

Maddox did not respond, so he tried a different tactic.

"Why come after us now? We've done as you said - we've stayed away from the case."

Finally, the man answered, "She broke the deal. My employer doesn't look kindly on such things."

"Kind of a sadistic deal, threatening my life to force her to leave me. Was that your idea or your employer's?"

From the tightness in the assassin's jaw, Castle guessed that it was a mandate from the mysterious employer, the man behind Kate's shooting and her mother's murder. Maddox was a professional. He had no time for personal grudges or even for 'deals.' He did as he was told, as long as he was paid.

"What was the purpose behind it?" Castle pushed.

"Not for me to say," Maddox responded. He kept his eyes on the writer, clearly waiting for his own opening to strike. One hand continued to level the gun at Kate, who he kept locked in his other arm. The pressure on her windpipe and the gunshot to her leg effectively kept her from fighting back. She was still bleeding, and it occurred to Castle that time was not on their side. "If I had to guess," Maddox drawled, "I'd say it was to keep her attention focused elsewhere. Splitting you up weakened Detective Beckett. When she was worried about you, she wasn't going after my employer."

"So why kill us now?"

Another shrug from the emotionless hired killer. "Because I was told to."

"Who told you to kill us?"

Maddox only snorted at the desperate question.

"You're a hired gun, Maddox. Tell you what, whatever you're being paid, I'll triple it. Cash. No questions asked. All you have to do is leave us alone."

Maddox laughed at the offer. He actually laughed. "You think you can buy me?" he demanded incredulously.

"Worth a shot."

"Mr. Castle, in my line of work-"

He hadn't expected the man to actually just take the money and walk away. That would be too easy. Besides, even if Maddox did not have a personal connection to his employer, leaving things undone would likely make future jobs more difficult to get.

However, the offer did have the desire result of distracting the assassin. It wasn't long – a second and a half at most as he began speaking, but it was all that Castle needed to make his move. Rather than dive at the two of them, he raced in a tight circle, hoping to get behind or to the side of Maddox to secure a better shot.

Unfortunately, the maneuver only resulted in Maddox jerking Kate around to block him, and he heard her grunt in protest at the movement. Blood was still coming from her leg wound – she needed help soon.

Where were Ryan and Esposito? They should have been there by now!

She must have noticed him looking at her leg because a second later, their gaze met. He saw something in Kate's eyes, a horrific combination of fear, grief, and resolve. She was giving up. Rather than being heartened by Castle's presence, by his determination to get her out of there at any cost necessary, she was shutting herself down, preparing to do something foolish to end the standoff in his favor.

Kate's eyes conveyed the emotions running through her even as her lip trembled, her face as white as a sheet. The arm locked around her neck was keeping her air flow to a minimum, but ignoring that, she twisted, reaching up her hand to hit Maddox in the face. She flailed against the man even as he tightened his grip on her, throwing her weight and bringing them both off balance.

Surprisingly, Maddox did not shoot her. Perhaps he thought he could manage the situation, but a moment later, she had gotten her chin wedged under his elbow and her teeth sank through his shirt sleeve into his arm. As she bit him, it was all a flurry of yells and blows until they were apart. Maddox stood a few feet away from her where she lay coughing on the ground, clutching the area of her leg where she'd been shot. The assassin's gun was now pointed at Castle but low enough to aim at Kate.

Somehow in all the commotion, Maddox was closer to the door. All he needed to do was back away and he would have a clean escape.

"I'm not letting you go," Castle told him, even as he took a step forward, putting his body between Kate and Maddox.

"As you said, Mr. Castle. This is a standoff. If you shoot me, I'll shoot you," Maddox stated succinctly.

With a single nod, Castle agreed, "Deal."

And he shot the man.

An instant later, Maddox pulled the trigger of his own gun, and Castle let out a grunt as the bullet hit him in the stomach and tore through his insides. But he had been expecting the shot and did not let it distract him from continuing to fire. He managed to get out two more rounds as Maddox staggered backwards and fell to the ground.

Only when he noted that the assassin's eyes had fluttered shut and was no longer drawing breath did he lose his grip on the gun. It fell to the ground by his side as he abruptly lowered himself into an awkward position on the floor, the pain making him unable to hold up his own weight.

His hand went to his stomach and immediately encountered a rush of warm blood. He almost didn't notice Kate appear by his side as his vision began to tunnel.

"Oh God - Rick," she said, her hand reaching out to cover his over the bullet hole. For what seemed like the hundredth time that day, she sounded panicked. And terrified. Her eyes were as wide as saucers and she was visibly trembling.

"So this is what getting shot feels like," Castle noted, trying to keep some levity in his voice for her sake. As he continued to speak, he found it more and more difficult to breath without feeling fingers of agony trying to claw him into unconsciousness. "I understand now why... not a good time... to confess my undying love."

"I'm calling 911," Kate told him as she pulled his phone from his pocket. Maddox must have taken hers. But even as she went to dial, they both heard the sounds of sirens approaching.

"Told Ryan and Esposito... meet me here," Castle explained.

Kate called for an ambulance anyway, the call lasting far too long. He knew it wouldn't get there in time. He could feel the blood leaking from his body, the life draining away. By the time Kate was off the phone and had turned back to him, he was having trouble focusing on her face.

"Cold," he said. He attempted to lift his other hand to touch her face. But the action took too much energy.

Kate saw the movement and took his hand with her free one and squeezed it lightly before applying pressure with both hands to his stomach. "You're going into shock, Rick," she told him. "Stay with me."

He noticed that there were tears rolling down her cheeks.

"Glad Maddox... is dead," he told her. Even if it meant his own demise, she was finally safe from that evil hired killer. "Can get on... with living."

When she understood his statements, when it occurred to her that he'd traded his own life to kill Maddox, she started shaking her head. "Not worth it," she said as she fought back sobs. "Not worth your life. Not at all."

"Don't have to be... afraid any more," he told her. And even through the haze of pain and blood loss, he knew the mastermind was still out there - Maddox' employer was still out there. But at least she could be free of the assassin, the man who had put a bullet in her chest and forced her to leave her family.

"Stay with me," Kate told him again. "Think of Johanna and Alexis. They need you. _I_ need you. We all need you."

He could feel the pressure of her hands pushing down on his, both of them pushing down on the entry point of the bullet. Kate's hands were covered in blood, and Castle realized they had been even before Maddox had shot him. His other hand where she'd touched him was sticky with it.

"Your leg," he said.

Why was she trying to keep his blood in his body when her own blood was still leaking out? He craned his head around, ignoring the spike of agony from his stomach, and sure enough - there was a long smear of red across the floor from her pulling herself over to his side. Too much blood.

"It's fine, Rick," she told him. "I'll be fine. You're hurt worse, okay?"

Castle knew his injury was worse. A detached part of his brain even knew the truth she was unwilling or unable to voice.

He was going to die.

Right there on that concrete floor, in Kate's arms as she sobbed over his bleeding body, he was going to die.

And it was worth it because Kate would live. She would live and she would never have to fear Maddox again, would never consider giving up custody of her daughter to keep the girl safe or forsake love for fear of bringing death to those around her. After a year of holding herself apart, Kate would finally be able to actually live her life again.

He wanted to ask her to tell the girls that he loved them. To tell his mom and even the guys and Lanie. He wanted to give her some reassurance, to encourage her to fall in love again once he was gone, like she had tried to for do for him - after a suitable period of mourning, of course. But in the end, he only got out two words before the world went black.

"Love you."

* * *

tbc


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N**: I am really humbled by the response to this story. Thank you everyone for the reviews and feedback.

* * *

Castle's first thought when he woke up wasn't what he always thought it would be. On grim, morbid evenings while brainstorming murder scenarios, he occasionally thought about his own mortality, and he always figured that if he survived a gunshot, he would wake up in the hospital thinking, "Wow, I lived!"

Instead, the first thought to enter his mind, and subsequently leave his lips, was to comment on the annoying beeping sound. Beep beep beep. Over and over again. High pitched and incessant. Was it supposed to be psychological torture? If so, it was working.

"Castle?" he heard - someone sounded both excited and relieved that he was complaining about the noise. Someone male.

He peeked his eyes open - bad move. The light was so bright, he immediately forgot about the beeping. As he blinked and squinted, he noted that it was Ryan sitting next to his hospital bed. Why was Ryan sitting next to his bed?

Hospital. Beeping heart monitor. It all began flooding back to him in a rush of images. The last thing he remembered was once again telling Kate he loved her as one of them laying bleeding out onto the ground. Of course, this time both of them had been bleeding, but-

"Kate," he said immediately, noticing her absence. "Kate was shot."

"She's okay, Castle," Ryan assured him. "They discharged her. We've been taking shifts so she can go home and get some rest."

He blinked in confusion at the detective before asking, "How long?"

"How long have you been in the hospital? Oh, um... five days? No, four days. Surgery took a long time, and then they kept you under for a while to let you heal. You know, stomach shots are pretty bad, right? I don't remember everything the doc said. I kinda went for coffee when he was describing the surgery-"

Interrupting Ryan's rambling, Castle said, his voice barely more than a whisper, "Call Kate?"

The other man immediately jumped up and reached for his cell phone. "Oh yeah, of course. And I should get the doctor. I'll be right back."

Of course, as soon as Ryan left the room, like a switch had been flicked, Castle was overwhelmed by fatigue. He struggled to keep his eyes open while contemplating how long it would take Kate to get to the hospital from her apartment. Not that he even knew which hospital he was in. If only Kate could fly, then she could be there almost immediately, no matter which hospital it was. Of course, even flying would take some time and he didn't have much time before he lost the battle with the weights on his eyelids. No, teleportation, that would be even better...

By the time Ryan re-entered the room, Castle had fallen back asleep.

* * *

The next time he woke up, the beeping didn't bother him nearly as much. Perhaps it was because he knew that it was the sound of his heartbeat, a reminder that despite being shot, he was still alive. But more likely, it was because someone was holding his hand.

He opened his eyes and saw her sitting next to him, her smaller hand clutching his even though her head was lolled to the side. Alexis was asleep in the chair beside him, but she was the only one in the room. Castle had no idea how long he'd been asleep since talking to Ryan.

As if sensing his gaze on her, Alexis opened her eyes, blinking at him lazily as she awoke. But upon noticing that he was awake and alert, Alexis snapped to attention. "Dad!" she exclaimed.

"Hey, Alexis," he greeted her in return, his throat still gravely from disuse.

"How are you feeling?" she asked as she reached next to him to press the nurse call button.

How was he feeling? He took stock for a moment, looking down his body stretched out under one of those white hospital blankets. Experimentally, Castle wiggled both his toes and saw them move under the blanket. The rest of his body responded the same way. Everything worked, at least. The only trouble came when he tried to sit up and his abdomen screamed at him.

"Sore," he pronounced finally. He realized that he must still be on pain medication because his stomach did not feel too bad when he remained reclined and relaxed. "How are you?"

"We're fine," she assured him. "Everyone is good. We got half way to wherever you sent us before Ryan got in contact with Gram somehow and told her we could come back. And he said that you'd been hurt. So the pilot stopped, refueled, and we turned right back around. He didn't want to do it without hearing from you, but Gram was pretty convincing."

Castle nodded, picturing his mother taking charge in a situation like that. "I'm sorry you had to do that - get out of the country. I just wanted you all to be safe."

"It's okay, Dad. I understand. Kate explained everything."

Kate. Where was she? He had asked Ryan about her when he woke up before, but she wasn't there...

Alexis must have noticed his longing glance towards the door because she quickly added, "She's at home with Gram and Johanna. She was here all day yesterday after you woke up and talked to Kevin. She and I have been switching off today. Actually, she should be here within the next half hour."

About that time, a nurse came into the room. Alexis told the woman that her father was awake and to let the doctor know.

Alexis filled him in on some of the details while they waited for the doctor. Maddox was definitely dead, although nothing in the man's possession linked him to his real identity or his employer. The only phone calls he had made or received were to an untraceable burner phone.

When the doctor arrived, Castle was glad to see that it was not Dr. Motorcycle Boy, although if he had been writing the story, he felt that would have been an interesting turn of events. Still, he was grateful. Grateful for the drugs which kept the pain (mostly) at bay. Grateful for the older physician who told him exactly what had happened to him and gave him a description of the resulting surgery. Grateful that the bullet which had torn through his stomach had luckily missing his kidneys. The blood loss had been tremendous and the surgery took hours, but he'd pulled through.

"You have several months of recovery ahead of you, Mr. Castle," the doctor told him solemnly. "But you should know that you were very lucky."

Lucky. He wondered if the doctor knew how much of an understatement that was. Castle had been prepared to die, had closed his eyes for what he thought was the last time. This was beyond just 'lucky.' This was a second chance.

After the doctor left, Alexis sat with him, telling about how Johanna had entertained herself on their two long plane rides and her curiosity about why they were going on a trip. As he listened to his daughter, Castle felt his eyelids growing heavy again. Knowing Kate was on her way, that she could be there any minute, he fought to stay awake.

"Just sleep, Dad," Alexis told him. "I'll wake you up when she gets here."

He knew it was a lie, knew they'd let him sleep just as Ryan had let him sleep when he'd woken last. Sleep was important for healing, but he _needed_ to see Kate, whole and healthy and safe.

"Not tired," he responded with his own lie, even as he struggled to keep his eyes open. Within a moment, he was out once more.

* * *

He only intended to close his eyes for a minute or two, but when he awoke again, there was light streaming through the window of the hospital room whereas just a minute ago, it seemed to him, it was dark out. Alexis was gone and the room was empty. Disappointed, Castle looked around to make sure.

Then he spotted her.

She was standing next to the window looking out, so still that he'd missed her the first time. She was balanced on two crutches, and Castle could tell that the leg Maddox had shot was bandaged under the pants she wore.

"Hey," he said quietly, instantly drawing her attention.

As Kate turned in his direction, Castle felt his heart clench in his chest. It wasn't the drugs and it wasn't his imagination - his heart must have physically done something because for a second, he couldn't breathe and he couldn't focus and there must have been a drop in blood pressure.

She looked tired - so tired - and the worry lines on her face were extra deep. Black circles under her eyes reflected too many sleepless nights, possibly spent at his bedside. But she still looked beautiful. Gorgeous. Alive.

"Castle."

She breathed his name like a prayer, a thank-you to the heavens above. And the way she looked at him - he suspected it was much like the way he was looking at her, as though neither of them expected to see the other again. "You're awake," she observed the obvious even as she began making her way to his bedside.

Moving quickly on the crutches to reach his side, Castle spotted a grimace of pain on her face. "Are you...?" he began, wanting to ask if she was okay, but at the last minute realizing the absurdity of the question.

Of course she wasn't okay. She was shot in the leg. He was shot in the stomach. And yet, the look on her face could only be described as pure joy. Not only was she beaming at him, her eyes bright with the sight of him, but she was smiling widely.

"I'm awake," he confirmed. "Sorry I fell asleep."

Not even bothering to sit in the chair Alexis had occupied the night before, Kate crutched her way directly to the side of his bed. She reached out a hand to take his, but paused halfway before touching him. He watched as her hand started shaking before she drew it back half a second later.

When her eyes flicked back to his, he could tell that she had seen him watching her. "Sorry," Kate said, looking away as guilt washed over her features.

She was hesitant to touch him, he realized, as though she might hurt him.

"Don't," Castle told her, using what little strength he could muster to reach out his hand to her. With a heavy sigh, she took it, wrapping her fingers around his in a desperate grip.

Her eyes slammed shut as she whispered his name, "Rick." And then her body began to shake with emotions too long restrained.

The sobs wracked her body so strongly that he feared she would fall from the crutches. When the tears came, washing down her cheeks like warm rain, he felt so helpless to stop them, to comfort her.

"Kate," he whispered, holding tightly to her hand like a lifeline. "It's okay. I'm okay."

But she kept crying, the sound cutting through him as painfully as the bullet from Maddox's gun. He hated seeing her so upset, so devastated. And there was nothing he could do to help her. He was confined to the hospital bed, barely strong enough to move his hand. "Please, Kate," he begged, wishing there was something he could say to stop the avalanche of her tears.

And somehow, that did it. The sound of his voice calmed her - not completely, but enough for her to drop her crutches and lower herself into the chair beside his bed, never letting go of his hand as she did so.

"I'm sorry," she told him, wiping away the salt water from her cheeks with her free hand. "I've been kind of a wreck the last few days."

"Understandable," he said.

"How are you feeling?" she asked as she pulled herself together.

"I think I feel like I've been shot," Castle told her. "Of course, the drugs help."

Kate laughed at this. "Yeah, they do help," she agreed. "Until they start weaning you off."

And suddenly, he remembered that she'd been through this before. She'd been shot before - in the chest, in the heart. And now in the leg. She was definitely still ahead of him on life-threatening injuries.

"What about you?" he asked. "How's your leg?"

"Okay," Kate responded dismissively. "Healing. He was trying to cause pain, not to seriously injure me."

Her simple observation transported him back to those few minutes in that parking garage. In particular, he remembered her attempting to go after Maddox even though she was shot, on the ground, and he was standing above her with a gun. She did it even after seeing Castle and presumably realizing that backup was on the way. Despite the obvious disadvantage, the extreme risk to her life, she went after him.

"Seemed like you were trying to get him to," Castle remarked. "I mean, get him to hurt you."

She didn't answer right away. The corners of her lips fell into a hard line as she looked away, focusing on some spot on the floor. When she did speak, it was quietly and with as little emotion as she could force from her voice.

"I saw you. When I was on the ground. I saw you stick your head around the corner, and I realized that you didn't leave the city like I told you to. You came looking for me instead." Kate paused before taking a slow, ragged breath. "I knew you'd try to step in and save me. I had already lost my gun - he got it away from me easily. And he'd already disabled me. I knew as soon as you moved, he would see you, and he would kill you. "

Finally, she met his gaze as she stated, "I guess I was trying to distract him. I couldn't really think about anything but keeping him from seeing you. Before you got there, he was asking where you were. He was planning to take us both out, I think, but he wanted to find you first."

"He almost killed you," Castle said, the words painful to speak.

"No, he almost killed _you_," Kate shot back. "And you knew he would. You shot him knowing he would shoot you."

She had taken note of that exchanged, he realized. The hard set of her mouth, the disapproval in her eyes...

"I was protecting you. Johanna needs her mother."

And he needed Kate. He needed her more than his own life. She had to understand that.

But she was shaking her head, her eyes beginning to glisten once more with fresh tears. "Johanna needs you," she told him. "So does Alexis. And your mom. And so do I, Rick. Don't you understand that? I am the expendable one, not you."

Flabbergasted, he began to argue, "Don't you ever-"

"No, Castle. You listen to me. The man behind all of this is still out there. He's still coming after me. I put you in danger. I put Johanna in danger. Before she was even born, I put her in danger. What kind of mother does that make me? And what kind of mother would I be if I let her father get killed?"

Kate wiped the moisture from her eyes, pushing the heels of her hands roughly across her face. And Castle stared at her in horror, unable to comprehend what she had just said.

He could not respond, could not argue and tell her that everything she said was wrong. She wasn't a bad mother. None of this was her fault.

In the end, all Castle could say was, "I love you, Kate."

She let out a harsh, humorless laugh. "I wish you didn't," she said. "You wouldn't be lying in that bed."

"And I wouldn't have Johanna. And I wouldn't have finally known what if feels like to find my soul mate." He was growing tired again, but he had to get this out before the drugs and the fatigue pulled him back under. "None of this is your fault. The only thing you are to blame for is being the person I fell in love with. I love you, Kate, and we are going to be a family. I'm not going to let you pull away again. I'm not going to let you run. I don't care if that man is still out there or if being together puts me in danger. Because I need you, Kate. Our daughter needs you. And I'm not going to let us waste any more time being apart."

Kate looked at him with tears in her eyes, but this time, she did not argue. Their conversation had taxed him, had used up all his energy reserves. He needed more sleep, but he was afraid that if he looked away for even a moment, she would be gone.

"Please stay," he said.

Kate was still there when he closed his eyes a few moments later, exhaustion pulling him into unwanted sleep.

And amazingly, despite everything she'd said and everything she'd done over the past year, she was still there hours later when he woke up.

* * *

**A/N: One more chapter after this.**

**Hope I got the medical stuff as close to correct as possible. But if you see any glaring errors, feel free to private message me!**


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N: **Thank you so much to everyone who has read, followed, or left a review of this story. I'm glad so many people trusted me enough to go down this very difficult road.

* * *

_**Six Months Later**_

She unlocked the door slowly, taking a deep breath as she slid the key in the lock and turned it.

"Momma, Momma," Johanna called as she jumped down from the couch and rushed to meet Kate at the threshold. Castle followed at a more sedate pace.

"Hey, baby girl," she said, quickly placed her service piece on a high shelf before scooping the child up in her arms.

"I'm not a baby," Johanna insisted with great indignation. "I'm a girl."

"Yes you are," Kate agreed. "Did you have fun with Daddy today?"

The child nodded but did not elaborate.

"Today we went to the aquarium and saw the turtles," Castle stated.

"Yeah, we saw... we saw turtles," Johanna echoed.

Kate locked eyes with her husband. Ex-husband. Fiancé. They were still figuring that part out.

And for once, she did not ask him the question she always asked. She did not wonder if there were any mysterious men tailing them or any suspicious vehicles parked outside the loft when they left. She did not ask him about issues or problems or anything of the sort.

Instead, she said, "Well maybe tomorrow the three of us can go to the park. Mommy solved her case so she gets a long weekend."

Castle beamed at her as Johanna gave an excited shriek at the prospect of having an extra day with both her parents. Kate set the girl down and suggested that she play in her father's office until dinner was ready. Because he spent so much time writing in there, she had a number of toys and books piled in one corner.

As soon as Kate's arms were free, Castle pulled her into a tight embrace, the same way he greeted her home every night. "So you solved your case?" he asked, speaking quietly into her ear.

"You were right," she acknowledged grudgingly. "It was the ex-girlfriend who tried to set up the brother. But not for the reason you thought."

"She didn't kill him in a fit of rage when he accidentally dropped a red shirt into her load of whites?"

With a snort, Kate responded, "No. She killed him because she caught him with another woman. The red shirt that dyed everything pink? That belonged to the other woman."

Castle nodded, taking in the information about the case they had been discussing over dinner for the last three nights. "I'm glad you're home," he said finally.

A moment later, he let go of her and turned to head into the kitchen. Kate could smell the lasagna in the oven and could see a loaf of Italian bread sitting on the counter next to the makings for a salad. But as he stepped away from her, Kate reached out and grabbed his hand, gently tugging him back to her. He turned, raising an eyebrow at the gesture.

"I have some news," she said.

His eyebrows shot up in immediate understanding.

"About...?"

"Yes."

"And?" Castle asked, unable to contain his curiosity.

"The FBI made the arrest about an hour ago. I got the call from Agent Shaw as I was driving home."

He stared at her for several seconds, as though the full weight of what she had just said hadn't hit him yet. But then he asked, "Are they sure?"

"They're sure. They searched his house and office and found everything they need for an indictment. We probably won't even have to testify."

And then his arms were around her again, squeezing her so tightly that she worried he might hurt himself. He was healed from the bullet tearing through his stomach, but his recovery had been long and arduous and he still wasn't back up to the level of strength he had been before.

But then Castle's lips were on hers as he pushed her up against the door, kissing her with desperate abandon. The position reminded her of that first night together, of longing fulfilled and apologies accepted.

It was finally over. The threat which had hung over them so long was finally gone.

Once the guys had identified Cole Maddox - and it was amazing what an autopsy could tell you about a man - they had taken the whole thing to Gates. And with her backing, they called the FBI with what they knew. The FBI was able to track the clues back to his employer, a politician more interested in power than people, a man who had begun his career as a New York City Public Defender who caught wind of the schemes of a few corrupt cops from a client.

As it turned out, the man who ordered the hit on Kate's mother and on Kate herself was already under investigation for public corruption charges. He had long been under suspicion, but their investigation was the closest they'd gotten to real evidence on the guy. His ties to Maddox, while tenuous, proved enough to get a warrant for a wire tap, which over months of careful listening and follow-up by federal agents produced enough evidence to finally make an arrest. Shaw wasn't the agent in charge of the case, but as a personal friend, she had been quietly keeping them up to date on developments.

"God, Kate," Castle said when he finally pulled away from her, just enough to speak but still close enough that his nose brushed against hers. "I can't believe it."

"I know," she agreed. "We're finally safe."

"And you'll finally have justice for your mother."

"And you," Kate pointed out.

"And you," he sent back.

"He has a lot of crimes to pay for," she agreed with a nod.

Castle looked at her - stared into her eyes the way he did sometimes when she knew he was deliberately keeping something to himself. But then his mouth burst into a grin and he suggested, "We should celebrate."

With a bashful glance in the direction of his office, she said, "Not when Johanna's still awake..."

"No, not that. Well, yes, that too, later. But I mean we should really celebrate. Do what you didn't want to do before now."

Kate blinked at him as his meaning hit her. "You want to get married?" she asked.

"As soon as we can. What is it, three days to get the license? We can do it the middle of next week."

"Rick-" she began to protest, and then stopped.

They had been together again for six months, ever since Maddox shot Castle. When he was released from the hospital, she moved into the loft to help take care of him and look after Johanna during his long period of recovery. While taking a leave of absence from the precinct, the move was more than just about nursing Castle back to health and letting her own injury heal. It was also to watch over the two of them and keep them save in case Maddox's death caused a backlash. Even though Kate insisted that they would be in less danger if she stayed away, Castle would not let her go. He threatened to crawl out of bed and go after her, gunshot or no.

And so, she stayed. Every week she brought more clothes and more books to the loft until her apartment was more of an afterthought than a home. Johanna settled right in to having both of her parents with her and after a few weeks could not remember the situation ever being otherwise. Even Alexis and Martha acclimated to the change without comment.

After several months of living together, when Castle was finally healed and had begun to get his strength back, Kate brought up the possibility of her moving out again. There had been no trouble since Maddox' death despite their worst fears, but Kate still worried every day that something would happen, that another assassin would step in to take his place.

Castle simply would not let her leave. She tried to argue with him, to make him see reason, but he gave no ground. "You are staying here with us," he said, ending the discussion.

Even when Kate's leave of absence ended and she began going in to work every day, she always returned home to the loft. She often saw relief in Castle's eyes as she stepped through the door.

A month ago, he had asked her to marry him again. At the time, she told him that they needed to wait, that getting remarried might be just enough of a push to catch the notice of her mother's killer again. But once he was caught, once the FBI wrapped up their investigation… then they could talk about it.

And now, he appeared to be collecting on that promise.

"Rick, you know I would love to marry you," she said.

His face fell as he said, "But...?"

"But are you sure? I mean, with what happened before, what I did... I know you aren't over that. And maybe we should just wait until he's been convicted-"

That was as far as she got before he was kissing her again, silencing her with his lips and tongue and the little piece of his soul he handed over to her as his hands caressed her body.

Kate loved him. She loved him so much that sometimes it hurt. All through his convalescence, she cursed herself for letting him get shot. Some nights she woke up in a panic, pacing the house between the master bedroom and Johanna's room before finally settling down to sleep on the couch. Other nights she did not sleep at all but rather sat in the dark, listening for danger.

But unlike the summer she took to heal on her own in her father's cabin upstate, Castle thrived with his family around him. He would sit and play board games with Alexis for hours, if they let him, or just stretch out on the couch with Johanna watching television. For Kate, it took her longer to get acclimated to being with him so casually again. Every touch of his hand set her skin on fire. Every look made her blush with a mixture of desire and guilt. And every word from his lips felt like a blessing, a gift she could never quite repay.

The night the doctor cleared Castle for regular activities, there were candles lit all over the loft when Kate got home, soft music playing on the stereo. A note by the door told her that Alexis had Johanna for the night and that Martha would be out as well. Next to the note was a glass of wine and the release from the doctor with a sticky note from Castle that said only, "You know what this means, right?"

She found him in the bedroom, the one she had long since begun to think of as 'theirs' rather than 'his.' He was reclined on the mattress with his own glass of wine and a platter of caviar and crackers next to him. After he fed her a few of the delicious morsels and asked about her day, he began to slowly take off her clothes, one article at a time.

That night they made love slowly, gently. Kate was unwilling to push him too hard too fast, but neither of them had any complaints. Afterwards, he told her, "I wanted tonight to be special."

She replied, "Every time with you is special, Castle."

With Castle's proposal still singing through her heart, just as his hands and mouth were doing incredible things to her body, Kate realized something. Not only did she love him, not only was she _in love_ with him fully and completely, but she truly deserved his love in return. Despite every bad thing which had happened to them, she was allowed to feel happiness. Her joy was not irrevocably tied to bad things happening to those she loved, as she used to fear.

She told him very solemnly, "I love you, Castle. So very much." He held his breath as he watched her, waiting for her answer. "And yes, I will marry you."

"_Again_," he noted gleefully as his mouth broke into a boyish grin.

"I will marry you _again_," she told him with an answering smile.

Without hesitation, he reached his hands behind her neck, and it took her a second to realize what he was doing. By then, he had already unclasped the chain she always wore, the one with her two rings. Slipping off her old wedding band, he moved to put the chain containing only her mother's ring back around her neck, but she stopped him.

"Wait... I don't think I need to wear it any more," Kate said, giving the memento on last look before slipping it carefully into her pocket. She felt as though her mother could finally rest in peace. And more than that, it was like a slate had been wiped clean, leaving her and Castle with a fresh beginning. She had never felt more free.

When Castle placed the wedding ring on her finger, tears sprung to Kate's eyes. As the cool metal slid across her skin, she made a silent vow never to take it off again. Not for anything.

Kissing her once more, Castle led her into the kitchen. The lasagna was ready to come out of the oven and the salad still needed to be made. As he worked on finishing dinner, Kate pulled herself up to sit on the counter next to him. "We should have a big wedding this time," he told her. "Lavish. Expensive. Lots of guests."

Their first wedding was small and hurried, a justice of the peace at the courthouse with just a few friends and family members. This time, he wanted her to have a dress and flowers and doves and rice – "Castle, they don't throw rice any more." - and every other wedding detail they could come up with. The thought of such a wedding was daunting to Kate, but she could tell it was something that he wanted. And she could not deny him.

"And Johanna can be flower girl," Castle added.

"I think she'd like that," Kate agreed.

As though she knew they were talking about her, Johanna toddled out of Castle's office and across the living room into the kitchen. "Las-a-na?" she asked, not quite able to pronounce the word.

"It's almost done, sweetie," Castle told her, picking the girl up to put her on the counter next to her mother. Kate automatically put her arm around the toddler to steady her and keep her from falling.

"Johanna, how would you feel about me and your dad getting married again?" Kate asked her.

"Married now," the toddler pointed out, sounding confused.

"From the mouths of babes," Castle said, giving Kate a quick kiss on the lips before looking down at the little girl. "You can be a flower girl, if you want," he offered.

"I like flowers," Johanna said very seriously.

With a laugh, Kate stated, "Then it's settled."

"And after we're married," Castle went on, "maybe we can start working on a little brother or sister for Johanna and Alexis."

Kate smiled back at him. "It's a deal."

* * *

_fin_


End file.
